So many thoughts running through my mind. The last 2 days have been processing the last 6 months. What I liked and didn't like and expected to happen that did or didn't actually happen. It has been interesting.
Lets start before the World race was even going to happen for me. So a year and a half ago God told me to start saving money. He didn't say for what, but that I should start saving. So I opened a tax free savings account… done. 10 months later I apply for the race. Coincidence? I think not. I Apply for the race, and that same week I get a job offer with the Canadian Army as a nursing Officer. hmmmmm…. decisions decisions. Lots of prayer and talking things out went into my decision to come on the race. I sent out prayer cards and lined up churches for me to speak at to spread the word of what I was about to do. Before I speak to a single church, before I do a single fund raiser… I figure out that I can pay for the race myself. Thats when the money started to come in fast. Letters went out in January, and by April 1st I was fully funded. God gave me all the funds, without me doing anything to get the money into my account. I was obedient and answered the call to follow Him to the ends of the earth. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was supposed to be here on the race.
Month one was awesome, God showed me that I really do have His heart. Month two, my heart was not on the race but was at home (it was a rough month… being away made it harder- weddings, funerals, birthdays, baptisms…hospital stays). Month three was amazing as well… it is still the best so far… but spiritually, I was frustrated. Really frustrated. At this point of the race I had left 3 places and I did not like goodbyes before the race… I still don't like goodbyes. It hurts so much saying goodbye to people you have lived life with for a whole month. People who poured their heart into you, and you poured your heart into them… the bible stopped talking, and God got quiet… not silent… but quiet.
Oh expectations and how you ruin us when you are not met. So I came on the race having had exponential growth with God once before (TACF School of Heart). And I was expecting that again… to go deeper and wider and further than I have ever seen or heard. To learn on one year what it takes others 10 years to learn. After month one and two, I thought "oh my, here we go"… I was excited! God I want all of You! Yeah… but then He got quiet… really quiet. And I got frustrated. Everything I had done up to this point, I could have done at home, or have done at home. Why am I even here?
The frustration held over into month 4,5,and 6… yup, still kinda frustrated even now… heading into month 7…I don't fully understanding whats going on. I participated in everything still… had my God time, journaled, worshipped… but God was quiet… not silent, but quiet. I started listening to podcasts, and reading more… nada. Instead of hearing Him as I had in the past, His voice kept getting quieter and quieter. It has been as though I have to simply trust that He speaks through me and to me even when I cant hear. I wanted deeper and closer and all these things of God… not quietness… I wanted the show, the spectacle… what I had seen others who are amazing people of God get from Him. But God wants me to hear His still small voice, the one that most people miss. He wants me, my heart and my obedience… not that He wants a slave, cause he gave me freedom… but He wants to know that He can trust me to do whatever it is he asks of me. Even if I am not 100% that it is Him, He wants me to trust that I hear His voice.He doesn't just want me to give up my job, my cushy big screen TV and 3D DVD player, my time with friends and family. He wants all of my heart, even the places I didn't know existed. I wanted missions, I have since I was a kid… I knew I could give up the physical… even though I do miss it at times… can I give up all of my heart? If you asked me 6 months ago, I would have said "yes, I'm all in"… no hesitation. I didn't know that giving up everything meant giving my expectations of what God would do on the race. The expectations that I would see miraculous healings, angels, heaven, have clarity on my future "after the race". I have seen healings, and I have gotten some clarity for after the race (scary) … but not the way I wanted to see it.
I guess the point of this thing is to let you know what I have been thinking about these days. As I wonder what my purpose is here on the race is. Why am I here? Why was I called to wander the world having my heart ripped out in almost every country that I visit? Why travel the world when I can grow as much as I have Spiritually on the race as I could back home in my church? Why? Cause I asked to be here. God gave me the answer I was asking for… missions longer than 1 or 2 weeks. A chance to go to Africa (which if our route wouldn't have changed, I would have been there done that already). God knows the desires of our heart. Even when we forget them, or "check out" if you will. God knows what is best for his children. He knows how we work, what gets us excited, how we learn, how we grow. God has our best interest in mind. I chose to follow Him and come here, and go there… He chose me to talk to and meet specific people, so that His name will be praised. God knows, He can grow me back home, but this plan is better. You just wait for all He is going to do here on the race. Be excited that God is moving, stretching, teaching, growing… and much more. "Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords will that prevails" (proverbs 19:21). Haha… truth. Lay it all down, give everything to God, and let Him pick you up and put you back together. Life is not all roses and butterflies.
