The Truth About Guatemala

 

I am not happy. Im tired. Im frustrated. It has nothing to do with the ministry here, but everything to do with me. You see, the last 2 months have been very trying and very stressful. The simple fact that I left everyone I love back home in Canada wasn't enough. It seems that there was so much more happening, to my heart, to my mind and to my body. 

 

Firstly, the death of a very dear Grandmother, Mrs Lane. She was such a Godly woman and friend and she will be greatly missed. I knew when I left for the race that I would not be returning to see her sweet face any more, but that didn't make her leaving earth any easier. She is however celebrating with the Lord every day and rejoicing in His glory. That same day my Moms mom (my Grandma Faulkner) seemed to have a TIA and now has difficulty using her left arm/hand. That same weekend was when Herman left for Los Pinos (which we know has been restored cause God is awesome!). It was just a lot to take in all at one time. The next week, the day of the funeral was Elissa's birthday (yet one more thing I wanted to be home for), and Jeremy's wedding.

 

I thought when I left Honduras I had dealt with all of those things… I thought I had grieved, and celebrated well. I don't know if I did… rather, I know that I did not process well at all. I really like to bury things. Add on to that I did not want to leave Honduras.

 

Here in Guatemala I missed my brother Tim's celebration of marriage in Canada, and my niece, nephew and sister-in laws baptism, along with other personal family stuff. oh yeah, and I got sick and missed half of my first week here at the orphanage… I felt behind for the next full week! All I could think about was how I wanted to be at home, to be supportive for my mom, and others. All this time I kept thinking I want to be home. Then God asked me what I would be wanting if I was home. My response was "doing something like this." I have wanted to do something like this all my life. Not necessarily leaving each country after a month, but I have always wanted to live somewhere other than Canada. I have always wanted to live in Africa. Africa is far from Canada and all my family…

 

Needless to say, this month has been a struggle. A very personal struggle between God and I… I have struggled with being present here, and not getting lost in other things. Not being consumed by distractions, but actually trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to learn this month. It may be a couple months down the road when it is actually revealed to me what has been done in my heart.

 

This month, my goal was to discover God in a new way, to dig into Him and know Him more. I think that is something that is going to be a goal for my entire race… well my entire life even. While this month was a good start, I think to continually seek Him and His purpose and plan for me specifically each month will help me grow into Him in a new and exciting way.

 

It has been very difficult for me not to simply put my heart back on the shelf where it had  been for 9 months already. I mean, I was still me, no one knew I had checked out my heart, it would be so easy to resort back to those old habits. God has been challenging me to let Him love me, to let Him have my heart. And to be honest, I don't know what that means. I know Gods love, or part of it anyway… I have seen His provision for me all through my life (I actually just journaled about it). But I have no idea what it means now. How do I make sure I let God love me? What does that look like?

 

I just don't know.