As you all know from my bio at the beginning of this blog, I never wanted to be a nurse. God told me to be a nurse and I fought him. I eventually obeyed. Picture this a kid being dragged by their collar kicking and screaming. Thats what it felt like. During nursing school I often described it as my self torture. I always knew I could get out of it if I chose to, but God asked me to do it, so why would I do something else? Why would I willingly choose to disobey?
There came a point in my life where I almost did. Right when I graduated. I started nursing on a temporary license and it was really really difficult. I diagnosed myself with moderate anxiety due to my heart palpitations, and the lack of ability to eat or sleep. The deep fear I had inside of me that I knew nothing and I was going to kill a patient by accident. I was brand new on the floor, yet I was the only RN on the floor working with two RPN's. I was terrified. no worries, I failed my provincial exam and got a six month reprieve to regain my focus.
All the way through my nursing school, I had no intention on EVER working as a nurse. I was in denial. I was being obedient, but I was not engaged in it. I had no intention on working as a nurse.
3.5 years later, I have worked in Acute care for the duration of that time, as well as 1.5 years in Emergency care. Really? I prayed a lot. I prayed that I would not be like Jonah. I did not want to simply endure what God asked with the wrong heart, but I begged for God to change my heart. Parts of it did, but mostly, I still don't like nursing. The entire time while working as a nurse, I would dream and plan for when God would release me into something different. Something that would build people and relationships with Him. Missions. Even if I stayed in Canada, I just wanted to be released from the burden on nursing.
2011 I got sick. I was sick for seven months straight. Not with anything that anyone could diagnose or treat… just with intense cold after flu after lung infection after cold after flu etc. I have never missed so much work in my life. And I didn't care. I didn't want to be there. While sick I applied for the World Race, and I got the "okay" from God to come on this journey. It still feels as though I came here to get a reprieve from nursing. This was my running away, even though I had permission. And as the end of the race approaches, and I have done a lot of nursing this past month I am reminded of my disgust for nursing. I don't care if I am good at it. I don't care that I have been called to be a nurse. I don't love it, and I don't want to do it. In fact, I may even go as far as to say that I hate it. I don't like that word. Even to this day nursing gives me anxiety. I think about going back to work in 2 months, and I think "No, no, no, no, no, no… don't make me! I was supposed to find something else by now. I'm not supposed to go back, please don't make me."
I know God is revealed through our weakness. Well, nursing is not only my Ninivah, but my weakness. It is through that weakness that He is made known because God is the only reason I do what I do. I do it because He asked me to. That is the only reason to continue.
