Well, As you must know by now, there wasn't much for internet in Cambodia. So this is coming a little later than I would have usually sent out a blog. Ministry in Cambodia was comprised of teaching english and a small amount of construction work.
You may remember a blog when I was in Thailand that talked about how quiet God had been. Then you may have noticed that He started to speak and get me excited for things to come while I was in Thailand and Malaysia. This was a little teaser. God gave me a reprieve before going almost completely silent in Cambodia.
So the schedule in Cambodia was full of rest and down time. We split up the teaching which basically left me with teaching a maximum 3 hours per day, and having the rest of the day off. Most of my classes were from 0700-0900, then I would have nothing to do for the rest of the day. Or they went for 2 hours in the afternoon. For those who know me, you know that I do not sit still well. This time of rest brought anxiety and irritability. I am however, very good at being distracted. I found things to do. Such as playing volleyball, and football, helping with lunch and supper, watching movies and reading books. As God got more and more quiet, I had less and less of a desire to spend time with Him too. I felt as though He had left me with all these empty promises and took off. Now, I have been privileged to be able to see and hear God in many different ways, but He stopped responding to everything. Most of my team had a birthday during the month of February and we like to give words from the father as gifts, I could not even do that as I could not hear His voice. It was frustrating, annoying, and made me question the revelation I had in Malaysia about trusting that God's promises are for me.
I had one week of distractions, then I fell off my bicycle. Yup, just a bicycle on a sandy back road. But it tore me up. My left leg had an abrasion that was 10cm by 12cm, then my knee also was scraped and I had to dig the stones out of my knee. I was unable to get all of the red dirt out of the abrasion, and it got slightly infected. There was redness, and swelling (+2 pitting edema). It hurt. Not when it happened, but for the rest of my time in Cambodia. Not only was I forced to rest, I was forced to let others serve and help me (two things I am not good at).
My team leader, who was also going through a time of hiddenness from God, got me to listen to a sermon by Graham Cooke on Manifestation and Hiddenness. It helped a lot. It gave me a perspective of this time in my life that I desperately needed, yet I did not fully understand. He talked about how while in this time you grow in faith and confidence in God. It is not a time to be hated, but a time to be cherished for this is when you learn more of the heart of the Father. Although this helped, it did not change the fact that I was still in the hiddenness.
Debrief came along and it was the first one that I have not been sick for. Yet, it was awful. Instead of being filled during that week, I felt drained. Like a failure. No one seemed to understand what I was feeling and I was tired of trying to explain it. My parents were coming the next week, and well, I thought I just might go home with them then. The race hasn't taught me anything that I couldn't learn back home. If I am going to be in a season where He is quiet, I might as well be in a place where people don't ask me EVERYDAY what God is speaking to me/teaching me. Stop asking me people, I can't hear anything!
Again, just a little history… you know I was not in a good place when I did not care about going to Africa. Africa is a big deal. A very big deal. Africa has been on my heart for more than 20 years. It is the one place in the world that I have always desired to go, but was waiting for God to give me the go ahead. I finally got it with the race… and now I didn't care. There was no excitement, there was no anticipation, there was no desire to go or stay. Basically I felt abandoned and was ready to go home.
I am going to go more into having my parents come to Kenya in my next blog, but I really needed them to come. They poured into me a new freshness, a refreshing breeze. I was able to come to the understanding that God has not left me. That as with my cousin Elissa, God and I should be able to sit in silence and still be comfortable. That, just as Elissa and I can sit for hours together and not say anything… God should be able to do that too. Even though we are silent, we know each other. We know what the other is thinking, feeling, about to do… and no words are needed. God was doing that. He has simply been hanging out. And I was ignoring Him. I was throwing a hissy fit like a child because I did not know what He was doing. I did not understand that it was all about intimacy. It was occurring to help me and grow me and simply hang out with me. Spending time together in peace and quiet.
As a conclusion, I think that there needs to be more teaching in the church about the hiddenness of the father, and maybe a change of name too. Instead of calling it the wilderness, or hiddenness… lets call it going deeper, a better knowing or friendship. A knowing and security of the Father always being with you. A knowing and learning of His depth and desire to know you more, for you to know Him more. A time to hang out.
As Graham Cooke said… This is a time where the father draws you into His realm instead of Him invading yours.
All because I fell off a bicycle.
