I don't know where to start. The themes that seem to arise from my life at this time all seem to be centred around the heart. My heart and Gods heart. There has only been one other time in my life where it has felt like God was doing open heart surgery on me while I was conscious, and that was when I started nursing and failed. I am finding this new place to be very draining on my heart and mind. I find that this new place has presented issues within my heart that I knew in my head, but never thought anything about it… why would I need to change that? Thats a good thing…
Independence for example. Its a good thing. It says in the bible to work and support yourself so you don't have to rely on others. I am and was very independent. I am able to support myself and others in the job that God chose for me. But here, I have to ask permission to do or go anywhere. I am not able to simply eat what I want to eat, or go where I want to go… we are a team, no longer independent but a team, working together for a common goal.
Being with all girls has also made me realize that I enjoy the balance of having men in my life. I miss my dad, and brothers, Jason and my guy friends. Women are great, don't get me wrong… I have worked with many different women in my life, and have mostly had very positive experiences with them. But, there is a reason to have a balance of men an women. God created us both in His image… Male and female he created them.
Being here has made me realize this one pivotal thing… my life is not my own.
MY life is NOT mine.
Its not my life.
…… sometimes repeating it helps………
What does that mean? Giving up my independence and self reliance and fully depending on God. Giving in to the authorities set in place over me. Knowing that God will provide everything for me, and that I can rest in the comfort of His arms and not be stressed out by the circumstances that surround me or the happenings back home. To trust that the God who created me… created the universe… IS in FULL control of each and everything. He is the one and only one who is in control. There is no where I can go where He is not there. There is NOTHING that He cannot do.
Even though my life is not my own. Even though my life is not what I thought it would be or should be. I can rest knowing that My father, My Abba Father, My Creator IS IN FULL CONTROL OF EVERYTHING.
I can rest.
