A couple of weeks ago my pastor posed the question: are you all in—in your relationship with God? As I took a moment to process I realized that my answer was a resounding no.
Within less than a year after my conversion I participated in two short term missions trip, led a small group, received the gift of tongues, was water baptized, and was planning to move to Seattle because God told me so. From the outside it probably looked like my spirit was alive and I was walking with the Lord. And I was walking with Him. At first it was a peaceful walk. You know the sun was rising, the birds were chirping, and there was a nice breeze. This lasted about a few months. For the past two years or so that walk has looked more like this: Jesus is walking ahead and dragging me along a never ending path of rocks & rubble (Jesus is gently dragging me, of course). I’ve gotten bruised up badly and I’m exhausted. I keep running away into another direction and Jesus just stops and waits for me oh so patiently. Usually, I return once I realize I don’t know which way to go, but sometimes He graciously pursues me and brings me back. We’ve done this often on our walk. While I keep looking back Jesus never does. And this frustrates me. I want to stop. To give up. But Jesus just keeps walking. And I follow, but not the way I should.
For the longest time I convinced myself that I was surrendered to Christ. Ha! The truth is, I have control issues. I know this. Anyone who knows me is aware of this. Yeah, it can be annoying, but for all of my life it’s been necessary. I have had to be in control in order to protect myself because my life hasn’t been safe. My earliest memories are of me witnessing physical and verbal abuse, drunkenness, manipulation, and plain old abandonment. So, I got my first job at 14, bought my own car, and pushed myself through school. Because of this I grew up not trusting anyone to take care of me or protect me.
What are other ways control runs deep in my life? Oh, I’m glad you asked! With some of my closest friends I have an internal wager on how long they will stay in my life before they decide I’m not worthy. I even broke up with someone prematurely because I just “knew” he would leave and of course I wanted to dump him before he could dump me! In undergrad I would go through periods of drinking heavily and then none at all for a bit just to prove that I had control over alcoholism which runs in my family. I could go on and on. I know, I need help and I hope you are praying for me:)
Similar to the way I feel about people, I’m afraid God is going to leave me. As you can see, I’ve grown to be very independent. I internalized at a very young age that if I wanted better or more, I had to do it myself. If I wanted to be safe, I had to protect myself. So, as you can imagine this attitude has hindered my walk with Christ. I have a hard time trusting God to take care of me, provide for me, protect me, and love me because no one else has done so unconditionally and consistently. How do I know that God isn’t going to abandon me like so many others? How can I be sure that He will provide for all of my needs? Instead of trusting God to answer these questions, I find that I fight even harder for control. In the end, I would rather take control and deal with the consequences than be let down by someone who doesn’t keep their promises.
As I was praying over this, I was reminded of something my friend Tracy told me before moving to Seattle. She shared that just because we obey with our actions does not mean we are obeying with our heart. And of course, God is concerned with the issues of our heart. BOOM! There it is! Yes, I came to Seattle. But, I’ve been kicking and screaming since I got here. Yes, I am committed to the Race. But I have so much doubt that God will provide.
In the end, I confess that my attitude of control is a sin. Yep, I am seated at the throne of my heart not Jesus. I have made myself Lord of my life, not God. My encounters with God have no doubt been real up to this point. But, I’d be lying if I said that even with all He has done, I’m still afraid to trust Him. I’m still afraid to let go. I’ve been aware of this issue for a long time and so has God of course. And yet, He has still brought me so far in the past few years. Moving forward, I sense that God is telling me that I can longer live with a divided heart. He requires that I love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30). He asks that I worship and serve Him wholeheartedly and with a willing mind (1 Chron. 28:9)! And He is making it clear to me that we can’t move forward until I let go, until I’m all in.
So, I pray: Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me an undivided heart, so that I may honor you (Psalms 86:11).
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Adventures in Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
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