Over the past few weeks, I have been in an interesting place. Intellectually, I’ve got senioritis to the max and I often just want to shut my brain off and not think about anything more complex than what songs I’m going to sing at the next Karaoke night. Physically, my body is tired and sore. Spiritually, I’m fighting everyday to press into God and stay present in what He’s doing in this season. Emotionally, I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by all of the details of graduation, moving back to Illinois, and of course, preparing for the World Race.
This post is about the emotions and I blame it on…the bag. I know, I know, it looks innocent and purrty, but from the moment I met this bag, I have been faced with the reality that in fact, the World Race is happening.
Several weeks ago, a wonderful family took me on my first ever trip to R.E.I. and gave me a wonderful gift: my backpack. For those that don’t know, the World Race is a full-fledged backpacking trip. All of my belongings must fit into this bag and a small daypack. That’s it. When I tried on the bag and looked in the mirror, I was shocked to notice tears forming in my eyes and as it finally hit me that this next year is indeed real. It hit me that I am leaving everything behind in the pursuit of a great unknown. It became so real that my life was about to drastically change. I was also overwhelmed by the generosity of the family who purchased my bag. Not only for their financial giving, but the giving of their time and prayers. It was at this time that I also started to doubt my capacity for such an adventure. Really, Sha’terika? You’re going to live out of a backpack for a year? There’s no way you’re going to go through with this.
As I look back, this was the point in which, as a squad mate put it, “my heart started missing.”
What am I missing exactly?
Well, first and foremost, people. My goodness, if I know anything I know that I am surrendered by some of the most awesomest (yes, I said awesomest) people on the planet. Every day I am amazed and humbled by the folks God has placed in my life. At home, work, church, school, they are EVERYWHERE and in all parts of the U.S. They challenge me, affirm me, support me, inspire me, know me, and love me so well. The thought of having to start brand new relationships in brand new circumstances, is pretty intimidating right now. I'm also saddened by the weddings, babies, new jobs, and new cities I'll be missing over the year. Knowing I have limited time left with my loved ones to create memories and simply live life together, feels like I’m living in the midst of never ending long goodbyes. To be on such an adventure without consistent access to those that got me here, is a truth I’m having a hard time accepting.
The other thing I am already greatly missing is stability & comfort. I admit that there are a lot of things about the Race that are daunting and most days I feel deeply inadequate. Part of me desires to find a job doing what I know I can do and am good at, get a great apartment and have fun decorating and entertaining, move to the East coast, and just “start life.” In some ways I am missing the benefits that come with planting roots and settling down. This is perhaps the biggest shock of the season as my friends know that me settling down is something I look forward to someday, but not today. However, when I think about the journey ahead of me, in some ways it seems “easier” and some days easy sounds appealing.
In spite of these feelings, I love my bag! It’s symbolic of:
- The love and generosity I am receiving through this experience. As people give and support me, I am overflowing with gratitude and desperately seek to give to others. I am so humbled by people’s willingness to give in so many different ways.
- Adventure! I am so excited to take this next step which is unpredictable, risky, and will truly stretch me. There is very little about the race that I have done before. It will be new people, new places, new food, new cultures, and new bugs.
- Simplifying in that I get no more than 40lbs to carry. What’s inside will indeed be precious. What’s inside will undoubtedly be important and necessary. Spending a year being confronted with the depths of materialism and consumerism in me will be challenging, but this is one aspect of the Race I am most excited about.
- New memories. This bag will be with me as I laugh, cry, and have “constructive disagreements” with my squad. It will be with me as my eyes see sights I could not ever imagine, both beautiful and tragic.
As I get closer to training camp and departure, the reality of what’s about to happen is slowly but surely beginning to settle in. Although difficult to process and prepare for, I am grateful to my bag for snapping me into reality. In the next three months I intend to spend as much time as possible with the people I love doing the things I love, while staying present in the moment and preparing for the future.
So, I guess I should say, thank you bag.
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Adventures in Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
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