Do you ever wonder why you do the things that you do and act in a certain way? I came on the Race with expectations to see God move in mighty ways, such as healing the sick and seeing salvations. I have yet to see those big things, but God explained to me that first I needed a heart adjustment when it came to those subjects. He has been speaking to me about exploring my frame of mind and the motivations behind my actions and desires, asking the “why?” questions.
I remember in October being in Sofia, Bulgaria and seeing this man with open sores on his legs sitting on the street in the middle of a big developed city with his hands out begging. I walked by him feeling extremely helpless and disappointed with myself thinking that if I had real faith I would say to him what Peter in Acts 3:6 said to the lame beggar, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth walk.” My struggle is this: I believe God can heal, but I don’t think that He will. I have battled with this line of thought for many years, because I have prayed for many years for Him to heal my digestive problems and the health of my family, but I have not seen the manifestation of the healing. I know He does heal, because I have heard the testimony of other people and the Bible. This juxtaposition has created a cycle of having faith for the miracle and then being disappointed with God. It made me paralyzed and bitter. So I simply walked by this man like everyone else, letting him be forgotten in the crowd.
I shared my disappointment at my lack of faith with my team and asked them to hold me accountable to pray for this man the next time I saw him. I want to see God heal the sick and restore lives, and I can’t be too scared to even pray. If I never pray, then I’ll really never see God do anything. To put it in the words of Babe Ruth, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
I wish I could say that the next time I saw this man I prayed for him, but I didn’t. I put the fear of looking dumb/being disappointed and the concern of missing my bus over him. I was, again, deeply disappointed with myself.
However, the next time I saw him, I asked my team if we could stop and pray for him. They were super supportive. It’s then that I witnessed the heart of God. My teammate Kathryn Hamilton bought him some snacks and a water, and she asked him if we could pray for him. He didn’t seem to speak much English, but he agreed. She asked if she could hold his hand. At first he shook his head “no” but she assured him that it was ok. It was then that I saw something truly amazing. The look in this man’s eyes at having someone willing to look him in the eyes and touch him was beautiful. I can’t imagine how ostracized he is for his open wounds and financial position. I could tell that he was truly touched. Kathryn had me pray for him, and I did. He wasn’t healed, but I realized that what Kathryn did was more impactful to this man than any prayer for healing.
Later during my time in Sofia, I was waiting at a bus stop, and I saw a woman walk towards me with some type of walking disability. Again, in my heart I bitterly said, “Jesus, if you were here you would heal this woman.” Then God replied, “Do you even see this woman?” Wow, with that one sentence, God revealed to me that I was so stuck and hyper-focused on seeing people’s health issues that I had stopped seeing the person.
I took the bus to McDonald’s and used the wifi there to get some stuff done before my English club that evening. While at McDonald’s, a scruffy looking man came up to my table and asked for money to buy food. Without thinking, I told him “no.” Immediately, I felt disappointed with myself. Here was a man asking for food inside of a food establishment. It’s not like he was going to go buy drugs. How was my response so immediately to harden my heart and say “no?”
Talk about an eye-opening day of revealing what was actually in my heart. God held a mirror up to me, and what I saw was selfish and ugly. I was not seeing people, but only their circumstances. God reminded me that He is more concerned with people and their hearts than with their exterior surfaces. Talk about a rough month, but God has given me opportunities to begin to see people and help them as He leads.
Bonus revelation: While writing this blog, I was reviewing the passage I quoted earlier about Peter healing the lame beggar and I realized that just two verses prior in Acts 3:4 it says, “Peter looked straight at him (the beggar), as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” Wow, I was so focused on the latter part of the story about the miracle that I missed the most crucial step. Peter saw this man first and looked intently at him as a human before he did anything else. I thought this was so cool that I had to add it. 
Back to the story…
Fast forward to December in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, I was praying and asking God why it was so difficult for me to evangelize (to that date, I still hadn’t told anyone about Jesus while on the Race). God asked me what my motivation was in wanting to evangelize. My immediate response was, “You told us in the Great Commission, ‘Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you’ Matthew 28:19-20. I’m trying to obey you, God. I’m trying to be a good Christian.” God was like “Bingo! You’re motivation is wrong. You are being motivated by fear to evangelize.” I realized that I was wanting to evangelize because I was scared of not being good enough for God and trying to earn His favor and approval through performing and doing everything “a good Christian” should do. Sometimes I struggle with truly believing that God fully loves me and that I can’t earn His love and favor by my actions. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourself, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9). I will not be successful in explaining the wonderful love of Jesus to anyone out of fearful obligation and viewing it as a task to check off of my “Christian to do list.”
I was reminded of what God told me at the bus stop in Bulgaria about “seeing” people. They can’t be another task and means to an end for me. Wow, that explains why evangelizing was so hard for me. I was doing it for me and not out of concern for them. I asked God for forgiveness and asked what He wanted to give me to replace this fear and performance mentality. He told me that He wanted me to “love deeply.” At first this was a scary thought. Deeply loving someone is a very vulnerable thing, but then God reminded me that He doesn’t expect me to give something that I haven’t first received from Him. In other words, I can’t do things out of my own strength. I guess that’s why Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing” John 15:5. This got me excited. I would love to experience the deep love of God. This was another layer on the challenge from God to “see” people not has a checklist or for their circumstances but to see them as He sees them. I am excited to view people in a whole new light.
So maybe I haven’t seen the great healings or salvations yet, but God is teaching me the important lesson that He would risk everything and leave the 99 to find and save the 1. “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish” Matthew 18:12-14. He loves and cares for people individually. His heart is so big and I am so excited to be learning from Him. He’ pretty great!
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I have a remaining balance of only $1,982 left to go before I am fully funded!!! WOW!!!
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