Booooyyy…did God deal with me today! My aunt called me over to her house to talk to me about some family issues, and little did I know how God would use that conversation to call me out on some things–no–A LOT of things!
You see, my family has never been good at showing love. I think we know that we love each other but there are no hugs, kisses, or exclamations except in the occasional cards for holidays. There aren't many expressions of feelings or intimate talks about life struggles. I always seemed to reach out to my friends before my family and my family still doesn't know much about my personal life. Even after I became involved in my college ministry and grew close to other believers, I never felt close to my family.
Most of them still have no idea of the depth of my experience with God. They know that I'm involved in ministries and the church and that I'm going on a mission trip, but they haven't truly experienced my faith. I've only conducted one Bible study with them and have never shared my testimony or prayed with them. I always seemed to make excuses about why counseling/comforting them wouldn't make a difference or postpone it. Tonight, however, God told me that the excuses aren't enough to hide me anymore. As I listened to my aunt spill her heart about concerns for our family and her take on our family's love, I saw a need inside her to be loved upon. Sitting in front of me was someone that I loved–my family, and I realized that I had been treating her and everyone else in my family like a stranger.
A couple times during my life I felt convicted about how I interact with my family and thought about working on relationships but never knew how and basically avoided it. Tonight it all seemed to culminate to the point where I can't be idle or put it off anymore. My discomfort didn't matter. In fact, my bible study leader always says that you should always seek to be uncomfortable because it pushes you and produces growth. I have to face the issue and learn how to truly love ON my family, not just love them in theory. I've realized that not only do I not appreciate them enough or show it, but I'm judgmental, negative, and selfish–and the worse thing is, I'm only like this with them! Why do I feel like they are the exception to "loving people despite their hurts and hangups"? Why do I fail to be a loving presence and shining light for them?
God really challenged me tonight to question, "How can you go out in the world and love on those in other nations when you can't love on your family? How can you pray with strangers when you can't pray with your family?" The easy thing to do would have been to hide those questions far away in my dark dungeon of excuses and exceptions, but tonight I chose to face them down. In that moment I expressed my feelings to my aunt, reassured her of my love, and did something that I have never done before—I prayed with/over a member of my family. It felt amazing to open up and show her a side of me that I have been hiding for so long. Now that I've done it, I am excited to see how God grows me in this area. I thought that this summer would be filled with fundraising, prepping for the Race, and maybe getting a summer job, but now I know that a primary focus needs to be loving on my family. God sure knew what He was doing by having me move back home!
Starting tonight, I want to be "uncomfortable" around my family
and show them the me that they've never seen.
I want to have the tough conversations and show them my love.
I want to stop treating them like strangers
and more like the people God has given me to love for a lifetime.
