“Why am I here?” This was one of the first question asked of us at the beginning of training camp. It was later followed by the statement “what you put into training camp, is what you will get out of training camp.”
Why was I there and what did I want to get out of training camp? These questions consumed my thoughts for the first few days. I wasn’t quite sure. I knew that I was nervous about meeting my team and excited about sharing God’s love throughout the world over the next year. Was I just at training camp because it was required or did I truly want to get something out of it?
As the week progressed and these questions stewed in my mind, we had multiple sessions talking about fear, surrender and abandonment. At first, I thought my biggest fear was just getting to know the 29 people that I would be traveling with and wondering if we would truly form a sense of community. I soon realized that I wasn’t scared to get to know them, but actually terrified of allowing them to get to know me. Could I really surrender the masks that I had worked so hard to hide behind my entire life? I was a leader, I was strong, I could keep myself together and I didn’t need others to help. I was there to help others. I didn’t need to share my full past or present. It was enough to be a good listener and tell people just small things about myself that they would relate to. Right?
Now that I knew why I was there and what I wanted, I began taking small steps. I asked for help. This was actually not such a small step for me because I am usually someone who likes to self-analyze and handle my own problems. I knew that this process wasn’t going to happen by me looking to myself, so I reached out to one of the leaders and this began an amazing transformation that unfolded through the rest of training camp. She helped me verbally process (I previously thought I was an internal processer, but I have learned this is not always the case) why I was holding back and how I could allow the squad to help keep my accountable in sharing who I was. The time I spent with her was such an encouragement and helped me to know that all these mixed emotions and struggles I was facing were normal and she was happy to be there for me.
The next day, I had the privilege of receiving prayer from another leader on our squad. This, I did not seek, but another squad mate requested it for me and I am so happy she did! The powerful prayer helped me to know that I am enough and that the Lord is proud of me. Immediately following her initial prayer, I was presented with the opportunity to be vulnerable and share some of my past with about ten of my squad mates. I was scared, I hesitated, but I let go and surrendered that fear right then and there. I shared more than I ever thought I could. They didn’t judge me, they didn’t scold me; they greeted me with hugs and were thankful to be a part of that moment and my story.
Slowly, I was able to share more and more. I was able to do so without the fear of being ridiculed. I felt safe to take off my masks and embrace the beauty in my weakness. I embraced my ugly tears when I shared my emotions and I embraced the freedom that this brought me.
All that was taught to me in those ten days, are continuing to mold me and I know that it will be a never ending journey, but now I know what I want. I want to become something greater than I am now. I learned that this isn’t just about training camp, the time I will be on World Race, or these days in between; it’s about the rest of my life and how the Lord will use me if I allow Him.
