Viña Del Mar, Chile
11/11/17
I will start by saying that this blog is not about the ministry we were a part of over the past month, but it is actually about how God has been ministering to me. I will also start by saying I didn’t know this is what I would write about until about 1 minute ago when I began my first sentence, but apparently that was God’s plan. Bare with me….Here we go.
I thought I was fine. I thought my team was doing great, we were solid, and everything was working out….and for the most part it was. We said our goodbyes at Casa Esperanza, cried a lot because it is painful to leave people you’ve fallen in love with, and headed to Debrief with our whole squad in Vina del Mar a few hours away. I was super excited to see the rest of the squad, and especially the certain people I felt like I’d bonded with at training camp and Launch. When we finally made it to the hostel here (after a bus ride to the metro, then the metro to another bus, then a taxi to the hostel…carrying all our belongings haha), I was genuinely happy to see everyone. What I didn’t expect was to retract and want to isolate myself. That’s not normal. I’m an extrovert. I like being around people, to the extent that I usually won’t make enough time for myself and the things I need because I just want to be with others. So that was weird.
I’m staying in a room with the other team leaders, so it was cool to catch up with them, and I enjoyed hearing about their months, but I was still feeling weird. I was overwhelmed with the emotions of leaving our last ministry and then jumping right into being here with 40+ other people. I was being asked over and over, “how are you doing? How are you feeling?” And I didn’t know how to answer because I didn’t know how I felt. I just felt everything and I felt all over the place.
The first real day here, I had a team leader meeting, then a few hours later my team and I had our team debrief with our mentor, leaders, and coaches. That was super encouraging and powerful. My team and I walked out feeling awesome and wanting to just hang out together on the beach, which we did, but I still felt off. I wasn’t sad or upset, but I was just off. I don’t know how to describe it. We had some time to talk later that night, also, and again it was good. I am thankful for the girls that God put me with and how we are learning and growing together. It really has been fun with them this past month. Yet, something in me was still unsettled.
The next day I woke up, wanting to just stay in bed and spend some time journaling with worship singing through my headphones. Luckily, it worked out that I had some good time before my team and I went to Valparaiso (a nearby city). We explored for several hours, admiring the street art, finding some souvenirs, enjoying the view of the city from high places, and taking tons of pictures. There were breathtaking views, and it was a perfect day. All the while, I found myself being very quiet. Two of my teammates asked if I was okay, and I told them I was because I just didn’t have words. There was nothing that was making me sad or upset, like I said, but I didn’t know what was going on with me. So I just continued on with them, going through the motions. Then last night we had a worship session and our mentor shared his testimony with us. That time was so needed for my spirit, because 1- worship is where I really connect with my Father and where I can really hear His voice, and 2- our mentor, Jeremy said a few words that identified what I had been feeling the past few days….and I realized I didn’t feel known.
I’d spent the last 30 days or so living in community with my teammates 24/7, but I still didn’t feel known or a desire to be known. (Please note this has nothing to do with my teammates. They are wonderful and we had a very busy month, so there wasn’t a lot of time for one on one, in depth conversations.) The issue is that I feel like I need to be known. Not in a self-seeking, “look at me,” kind of way, but I just don’t do surface level relationships. Let me rephrase, I can do them, but they aren’t as meaningful to me because I crave depth. I want to know what makes people the way the are, what brings them joy, what their passions are, what scars they wear, what their perspectives are, what inspires them, what their fears are, what their hopes are, etc. Because you see what happens is, when you share all the good, bad, and ugly about yourself, and you’re met with love in return, there is this beautiful exchange of being fully known and fully loved. That is real love to me. This is what I’ve established in many of the relationships I have at home…and I miss it.
So this is what the Lord spoke me:
1. Of course you miss that. That’s how I designed you. To love and be loved. There’s nothing wrong with you or with your team.
2. Turning to everything familiar and seeking comfort in people instead of Me, won’t bring you the growth you desire or satisfy that need. Seek Me for that comfort. I’ve got it for you.
3. Depth takes time. With people and with Me. Be patient in the waiting and enjoy the process.
4. I want depth with you…I know you. I see you. I love you. The good, bad, and ugly. You are mine, and you are known, and you are clean.
I didn’t know how much I needed to hear these words, until He so lovingly reminded me. So now, I can rest in my Father’s presence and the fact that He knows me, and while I desire for people to know me, I don’t need it, because He can fulfill that need for me. Doesn’t mean I won’t want it. Just being real.
This is His nature. He wants us. All of us. He knows us. He wants to be known, too. It’s a relationship. It’s intimacy. It’s vulnerability. It’s messy. It’s beautiful. It’s the only place REAL love, without conditions, thrives.
Yep. That’s it. God is good.
LOVE YOU. Xoxo
