Inadequacy.
A big word for something that makes me feel so small.
When I applied for The World Race, I thought my biggest challenge would be coming up with almost $17,000.
Then they told me I have to write a blog.
Which is a great idea.
Racers’ blogs were one of the huge influences on my decision to apply for The World Race.
They inspire me, motivate me, and affirm my calling to this ministry.
But I am the product of a public school education.
And not the nice kind of public school.
The kind with dirt fields and lock down drills and on-campus police.
[But I still loved it there. Promise.]
The kind where more kids drop out than join AP classes.
So writing isn’t easy for me.
Also, I’m not exactly good at expressing my feelings. My family always tended to be a little more reserved in that area.
So sharing my struggles and joys and crazy emotions with a bunch of people that I can’t see isn’t easy for me either.
That being said, blog writing is tough for me.
It is hard for me to not compare myself to others who have great communication skills and the ability to make me cry just with the words they write. It’s hard to share my story and explain why God has chosen this mission for me.
It’s easy for me to question whether God will provide the funds I need because I don’t have the skills to eloquently ask for them and I’m afraid people will view me as “less than”. It’s easy to start feeling inadequate. I know God can do so many great things through me…but it’s easy for me to doubt that He would want to use someone like me.
But in all this…all of my doubt, and insecurity, and feelings of just not being good enough (with my written words or otherwise)…God is whispering that He loves me. God is whispering that He has called me to this Race for a reason. Not because I am going to change the world (God has got that handled), but because the world will change me. And maybe, if I’m lucky, God will use me to change the world for someone else.
And sometimes, God doesn’t whisper…He shouts. Like when I was feeling all of these things, and God reminded me of the weekend when the pastor at church read this list.
Abraham was old
Jacob was insecure
Leah was unattractive
Joseph was abused
Moses stuttered
Gideon was poor
Samson was codependent
Rahab was immoral
David had an affair and all kinds of family problems
Elijah was suicidal
Jeremiah was depressed
Jonah was reluctant
Naomi was a widow
John the Baptist was eccentric to say the least
Peter was impulsive and hot tempered
Martha worried a lot
the Samaritan woman had several failed marriages
Zacchaeus was unpopular
Thomas had doubts
Paul had poor health
and Timothy was timid.
So my hope is that you would join me in praying for whoever happens to be on my team in 8 months and for those that choose to come alongside me as financial supporters. That we would all be bold and brave in knowing that God has a purpose for us in the mission field or supporting from home. And that I would not let feelings of inadequacy hold me down, but rejoice in the fact that God loves to use people with insecurities to show that it is His power, not ours, that makes big things happen.
