Hey y’all! So I gotta warn you in advance – I’m about to go blog crazy – I’ve had a bunch of blogs stored up that I haven’t published yet, some because I just forgot about them but mainly because I still wanted to tweak them or I just thought they weren’t good enough to share with the world – but I’m realizing how beautiful it is to walk in complete vulnerability. My life is SO NOT PERFECT, and neither is my writing! These stories are worth sharing and I want to bring all of you into what the Lord has done and is doing here on the race, trust me you’re going to see that He is doing AMAZING things!
I started this blog in my first week in Thailand but I added a little bit about my time as a TL in here 🙂
“How I hated discipline, and my heart despised reproof! I did not listen to the voice of my teachers or incline my ear to my instructors. I am at the brink of utter ruin…” – Prov. 5:12-14
I really like control. Actually, not even like. I really love control. My entire life I have been headstrong, independent, and mostly unteachable (if you don’t believe me ask my parents, I’m sure they will agree… Lord bless their souls for raising me…) I was a whirlwind of a child with a messy room, unbrushed hair, and mismatched clothing. But it was my way. So obviously, I “knew” it was the right one. As an adult this morphed into something else entirely. Now I’m not really a whirlwind (though I have my moments), I’m a carefully calculated storm. My life is more often than not in practically perfect order. I’m primped. I’m proper. My entire closet is organized by type and then color coded. Every item I own currently sits in my attic in precisely labeled boxes. From the outside all looks well but on the inside there is a storm brewing and I decide when and where I will reek havoc. Mostly the storm comes when others force me to do things I don’t agree with. There are few things I hate more than following rules I think are unreasonable or making decisions I don’t see the benefit in. I generally obey the authority above me but I do so with an embittered heart set on wreaking havoc. Granted, most of the time I am blind to the fact that the posture of my heart is set on destruction, I just feel I’m justified. But if I’m being honest, it is purely my flesh that directs my life and my heart towards desiring control.
Sounds pretty sinful, right?
That’s because it is.
So now that you know I’m a control freak here is my confession:
This sin of control poisoned my race.
Leadership was placed over me, they asked me to break up with my boyfriend, follow dress code, rarely be alone, share my faults, and listen to the community around me.
I didn’t want to do any of those things.
I obeyed, mainly out of fear of being sent home, and then I spoke harsh words behind their back.
I said I didn’t like leadership.
I said I couldn’t trust them.
I said they weren’t safe.
I said I would never serve on their leadership team.
In month 4 of my race the Lord hit me with a whole lot of conviction.
He showed me that I was presuming to know that the intent of their hearts was evil. I would have denied this if you had asked me, but in my heart of hearts I thought they were somehow out to get me.
Sometimes in my hurt, pain, and confusion I become blind to the truth that is around me.
I was so caught up in my brokenness that I was missing what the Lord was offering me.
There was never evil intent in their hearts, there was purpose in everything they asked of me.
They asked me to break up with my boyfriend to honor the commitment I made to the race.
They asked me to follow dress code to care for my brothers in Christ and the ministries I was serving.
They asked me to rarely be alone so that I would be safe.
They asked me to share my faults because vulnerability builds intimate community.
They asked me to listen to my community because it would make me a better Christ follower.
Regardless of the details, it still boils down to this: it was for my benefit that they asked these things of me.
Remember all that stuff I said towards the beginning of the race about leadership? Well thankfully the Lord redeems.
I love my leadership team so much it’s crazy.
I would trust them with my life.
They are the safest place for me here on the race.
Oh yeah and remember that last one I used to say? “I would never serve on their leadership team.” Now I’m a team leader… oh the dramatic irony!
Except it’s not really irony because the Lord knows what He is doing.
He takes us from our hardest and most sinful days and he restores us to places we could have never imagined before. I LOVE the Lord’s redemption – in the small things and in the big things. My race has become so much richer since I decided to be humble enough to recognize that my flesh and my pain were keeping me from something great.
Entering into a more intimate relationship with the leadership that was placed above me taught me so much. At the beginning of the race I avoided them, now I talk to them usually more than once a week. Mainly because I love them and the insight that they have to offer. But also, because just like me, they want to know the condition of their flock.
I’ve learned that there is something to gain from each teacher the Lord places in your life.
Maybe I don’t agree on every little point, that’s ok. Instead of tuning them out, I seek the golden nuggets. I ask myself what I can do to help the situation. I recognize now that healthy control means choosing an honoring mindset, one that doesn’t presume to know the intentions of others hearts; it means recognizing that the one thing I can always take charge of is myself. I can choose my attitude in any given situation, I can choose to be kind, to listen, to seek wisdom, to obey with a joyful heart, to lead with vulnerability. Leadership and life isn’t about control. It’s about surrender. I’m learning to walk in that and to embrace it as a gift. I still struggle almost everyday, but I find freedom in the struggle more days than not.
“Let the wise listen & add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” – Prov. 1:5
