There have been moments in my life when the friends that I thought would be my “forever” friends walked away leaving me hurting and wondering why. They were the friends that I thought would walk beside me through life’s storms. They were the friends I thought I could have confrontations with, that we could talk through problems and still be the best of friends. But instead of walking beside me, they walked away. And honestly, it’s had a crippling effect on my life. I have a fear that I’ll be rejected, that the people who I thought cared the most about me would suddenly decide that I wasn’t worth it, that I wasn’t good enough, and that would be enough for them to walk away.
I struggle with the fear of being alone. I have a hard time losing friends, and I beat myself up if I do- I blame myself, question what I did wrong, and ask what I could have done differently. When the friends I thought would always be there walked away, I felt so alone. I never thought they would leave, but they did, in turn leaving me with the feeling of rejection.
Coming into a new community on the World Race brought me both anxiety and fear that I was going to be alone. I was afraid that my new team would reject me as people have done in the past. With this, I struggled being myself throughout the first month. I hadn’t had this feeling since starting college back in 2012.
My month in Mozambique was a month full of rest. Originally, my team was going to build a mud hut, but we didn’t have the funds to purchase supplies. Instead, each day we would go into villages and pray among the people. We did ministry for two hours each day and the rest of the day we had free time. After ministry, our team spent time bonding together. Sometimes we would walk into town together and buy sodas, sometimes we would watch movies together, and other times we simply sat together and got to know each other. Each day we also had intentional team time that was led by a different team member.
Coming into community wasn’t easy at first. I was afraid to be myself for the fear that my teammates wouldn’t accept me. The first three days we were at our host home, we had a lot of rain due to Monsoon season. This prevented us from doing our planned ministry. During this time, my team was stuck inside together. It was during these hours that my team started to learn more about each other. What my teammates and I shared was raw and honest. In community you get to see the unfiltered side of people- the beautiful parts of their lives as well as the parts that have broken that left them scared. During these moments,I realized so many things about myself.
About a week ago, my team left our host home and headed to Beacon of Hope (another ministry site) for two days before we headed off to debrief in South Africa. There were two other World Race teams who served at Beacon of Hope for the past month. During my time at this site, God met me and revealed many things to me. He showed me how much I had learned to love my team this past month. He showed me that my teammates genuinely care about me and want to see me grow. He also reminded me that I can be myself.
I’m currently in South Africa at debrief. If you are wondering what a debrief is, it is a time where our squad gets together to talk to our squad leaders and mentors about this past month and share with them what we’ve experienced. It is also a time for us to rest, recharge, and reflect with God on what transpired during our ministry. God has met me here at debrief and has shown me so many things that he wants me to embrace this next month.
During debrief, one of my teammates said something that hit me. She shared that she wanted to create the space for our team to be real and vulnerable with one another without casting judgment on each other. Her statement showed me that even though I have a hard time trusting people due to my past, I can be real with my team. I’m so thankful that God placed me in a community that allows me the freedom to be who I am. My teammates are so patient with me and challenge me to grow in ways that I never have before.
Going into month two, I have decided that I am no longer going to allow myself to live in the lies that have consumed me for so long. My Squad Mentor, Megan, encouraged me during debrief to turn to scripture to find the truth of my identity. This next month I’m going to take the lies that I’ve believed for so long and replace them with truth that comes from scripture. I want to be intentional in creating space for prayer this month to ask God to reveal my worth in him.
While Satan wants me to believe that I’m not worthy and leads me to believe that I don’t like myself, God keeps whispering time and time again that I am a child of God, that I am his and that my identity rests in him.
