I apologize in advance because this is all over the place and I am well aware of that. I have sat down multiple times to write a blog about this little boy but it never makes sense because my thoughts are so jumbled in my head. So instead I thought I would just share some of what I journaled about on that bus ride because then, even if it doesn’t make sense or doesn’t flow, you would at least see a glimpse of my heart.
I have found that there are often two options when in comes to life: hold some of yourself back so it doesn’t hurt when you leave or invest wherever you are knowing full well that it will hurt like heck to leave. Invest knowing that you’ll have no regrets other than loving too much.
It’s a heart thing.
This month I chose to invest, I chose to love. I knew it would hurt to leave, I knew that loving the children well would in the end make saying goodbye and leaving Ecuador a hundred times harder for me.
But I chose to love, why? Because these children DESERVE LOVE, each and every one of them. We had the opportunity to read the children’s files at the orphanage. We learned about their disabilities, family issues and how they ended up in the orphanage. It was heartbreaking and to be honest it made me angry. So many of the kids were abandoned, one was left at a park, another was left on a bus going to another city, one girl was tied up and left in an alley to die.
So they were all brought to the orphanage and no matter how they got there they had one thing in common, they weren’t wanted. Whether they were left in a park or taken from a bad home situation, they weren’t wanted. Ultimately the parents chose themselves, their other children or their addictions over these precious, precious children.
I chose to love because they haven’t always felt love. I chose to love because I know that Christ loves them dearly and that I had the opportunity, just for a little while, to show them His love. I chose to love because each and every one of them deserves to be loved. I chose to love because I know that to the Lord they are wanted more than anything.
And now, my heart hurts. Because I had to leave. I fell in love with each child for different reasons. But there was one little boy in particular that made it even harder to leave: my little “X” with the silly grin and the contagious belly laugh.
I just left a precious 7 year old boy and hopped on a bus to a different city. I am the girl crying on the bus that the locals are looking at strangely. I am the one drinking a Coca Cola because Coca Cola makes me happy and you know what? It isn’t working. It isn’t making me happy and it doesn’t even taste good this time.
The thing about it is this boy is always joyful. Seriously, I saw him get upset twice the whole time I was with him. He has SO much joy. He is always smiling, always belly laughing. But he is also the boy that everyone leaves. Volunteer groups come and go but he always stays. He is always left behind, that is what is heartbreaking to me. I wanted him to know, in the short time I was around him, just how much he is LOVED. But eventually I also was leaving him behind and that broke my heart.
Another volunteer group is getting to the orphanage just a few short hours after we leave. My little one will soon be crowded around by new people wanting to get to know him, wanting to make a difference in his life, even though it will soon become obvious that HE is the one that will make a difference in THEIR life. I wish it was still me who has the privilege of being with him. I wish it was me walking through the door and seeing his little face light up when he locks eyes with me. I want to be the one feeding him, although it is an incredibly long and difficult task, I still wish I could do it.
I am no longer the person who has that privilege. I can’t make him laugh and I can’t push him up and down the hallways screaming with him.
But I am the one who can pray for him. I am the person who can pray that he will truly feel and understand the love of Christ. I am the girl who can pray that he will one day be adopted and have a forever family, a family that loves and cares for him unconditionally. A family that will daily choose him and want him.
I can pray for X, I can tell stories about him and remember the little boy in Ecuador who forever changed what love looks like to me. I went to the orphanage wanting to show the kids love, I left knowing that this little boy is the one who showed love to me. And who knows, maybe I’ll see him again soon! That would make my heart so happy.
