My whole life, literally my whole life, I have struggled with the desire to be married. I mean, I’ve been completely obsessed with being married. Well, married and being a mom, to be completely honest. When we’d play pretend whatevers when I was a kid, I was usually the mom or the married, pregnant secretary. I know, I know.
I remember praying so many times, “God, I’m sorry, but you’ll never be first. You’re just gonna have to be ok with being second. I know that’s wrong, but this desire won’t be quieted. I can’t let go of it.”
This only got worse as I got older. I’m pretty sure I had a crush on every guy in my youth group at some point. What can I say? We had some pretty awesome guys in my youth group. But I thought, with every crush, that I was gonna marry whichever guy I was currently “in love” with. Just ask Chelsea.
I went on my first (& only- so far) mission trip to Guatemala when I was 16. It was awesome. Guatemala is a beautiful country with beautiful people. For one of the first times, I truly felt God’s presence. I was riding in the back of a pick up truck on the way back from a village or an ice cream trip one night. I remember looking out at the stars and feeling the breeze and feeling God’s presence. It was so beautiful. During that trip, I was baptized in a pool. It was such an amazing time. Unfortunately, the other 75% of the time, I was completely focused on whichever guy I liked at the time. (Just ask Brittany) I was so frustrated with myself for being distracted, but I just longed so much to be loved and feel loved.
College didn’t get any better. In fact, it got worse. I met a guy that I thought I could marry. He was one of the first guys to reciprocate my feelings. But he didn’t go to church. He claimed to be a Christian, but was burned out on church and Christians. I longed so much to be married that I let him lead me away from Jesus. Over the next couple years, I became so angry at God for the things that kept getting in the way of me & this guy being together. I became bitter. I thought God was cruel. I thought He’d brought this guy into my life only to deny me. Anger led to bitterness and bitterness led to me building a wall between me & Jesus.
So after a few un-glorifying relationships, a 180, and 6 years later, I was back in church and watching walls fall. Fast forward to Training Camp. I spent half the week angry at myself for having another stupid crush. I was thinking, “Really God? Haven’t I been there, done that?” I was pretty mad about it. And a little ashamed that I was still struggling with this. Thankfully, as soon as I confided in my teammate, the crush and distraction lost its power over my thoughts. Pretty awesome work, Jesus. Pretty awesome.
But that wasn’t even the best part!
One of the nights, we were worshiping and the band started playing “How He loves us”. The best line of the song and the most beautiful words my soul has heard is: “He is jealous for me”. Pure. Gold. I started to let those words really sink in. Those words completely changed my heart. He is jealous for ME! Me! Silly, distracted me. He doesn’t just love me, He is crazy about me. He is jealous for me. He longs for my heart! Well, shucks….it doesn’t get any more beautiful than that.
Those words have completely wrecked me. That night, with arms raised high, I was able to say, “Jesus, you are all I want and need. NOTHING even comes close. NOTHING else can satisfy like you do. Nothing.” It was easily the best day/night/Jesus time of my life. Talk about freedom and peace! He is our Creator. Who or what else could possible fulfill or satisfy us other than our Maker? We were made to love and be loved. And boy are we loved!
So do I still want to get married and have lots of babies? Yes. But those things in themselves will NEVER satisfy me like Jesus. And I’m good with that.
