I have struggled so much with wanting to write about my month in Bulgaria. I just haven’t wanted to do it. Not because it wasn’t amazing. Not because we didn’t have awesome hosts. Not because I didn’t love the ministry. I started out hating Bulgaria because it was cold and I had just been through 80.5 hours of travel. I probably wouldn’t have loved my own mother at that point. (Just kidding, mom. I always love you!) We had some of the sweetest, funniest ministry hosts.
The truth is, I didn’t want to write about Bulgaria, because I was in a constant struggle all month. I was struggle bus-ing it.
Being on an all girl team has been different. REALLY different. It was much better than I thought it’d be, but it was still different. Being around girls all month made me realize that I have some insecurities that I had no idea I have. I didn’t realize how not pretty, not skinny, and untalented I could feel until I was around these 5 beautiful, internally stunning, and talented women. Comparison is the mother of all evil in my book. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Because I didn’t think I had that issue, I wasn’t on my guard against it. It snuck up and pulled the carpet out from under me before I even realized it. Satan’s sneaky like that.
Before I knew it, I was also facing feelings of abandonment and I felt replaced (which was not the case at all). The only way I’ve known how to act when I’m feeling that way is to put on my big girl face and say, “Well, I’m better on my own anyways. I don’t need anybody else.” And I gave up on a teammate. I stopped fighting for her and started fighting against her. That is my biggest regret. There was a lot of unnecessary frustration and anger because of that.
Through all of this frustration and anger, I kept praying. I kept asking God what was going on with my heart. I didn’t understand why I was so angry, frustrated, and emotional. I spent many prayer walk times and work times screaming, yelling, and pleading with God. And when I didn’t feel like I was getting answers, I kept screaming, yelling, and pleading. It was so frustrating, but I kept praying, because He was all I had. All I have. And in His timing, He showed me what was going on with my heart. He showed me where the anger was stemming from. He answered prayers and brought peace. He’s just cool like that.
While I was in the middle of this month, I felt like I was in hell. It was miserable. I questioned why I should stay. But the beautiful thing is, not that I’m getting to the other side, I can see the beautiful work that God was doing in me. He’s making me look more like Him. It’s not always fun and often a little painful, but He is faithful. If I believe He truly loves me, I need to remember and believe that He loves me enough to take me through things that will make me more like Him. It’s easy to forget that. I may have to re-learn that for the rest of my life, but it is true. He does want the best for me. And the best thing is that He actually knows what is best for me. He’ll make it happen.
So if you’re in the middle of the fight, if you’re struggle bus-ing it- hold on! If you need to, keep screaming, keep yelling, keep crying out to Jesus. I promise you that He’s listening. And not only is He listening, but He cares about you. Life is not supposed to be easy, but we’ve got Jesus to carry us through it.
{Also, breaking up sticks for firewood and singing in a barn is very therapeutic}
