Most weekends, before the race, I went shopping. I went from store to store running errands and getting groceries. I went just about anywhere my heart desired. I LOVED IT. I loved the fact that I was independent and could do just about anything I needed (minus changing my oil- thanks Dad & Tom).
Since I hurt my ankle, I’m limited in what I can do. I can’t help clean. I can’t do my laundry by myself. I can’t readjust my laundry in the washing machine by myself. And I’ve been frustrated. Thankfully, God has been teaching me that I’m not a burden and that it’s ok to let people help me. What I didn’t realize was how much pride I had in my independence. I thought that it meant that I didn’t need anybody. After being hurt a few times, I didn’t want to need anybody. I saw it as a weakness. I thought it meant that I wasn’t good enough if I needed someone else.
But I was wrong. None of us is so independent that we don’t need anybody else. That’s not how God created us. We were created for relationships. But more than anything, we were created with a need for a Savior. Our very existence is based on a need.
So God has breaking down my pride little by little. I’m still really struggling with not being able to be self-sufficient. It sucks. It makes me want to throw rocks and scream sometimes. Right now, I’m fighting to surrender to what God’s trying to teach me and how God is working on my pride. Prayers would be appreciated- especially as we leave for our next country on Friday. I’m worried about the 15 minute walk from our team meet-up site to the bus stop. I’m worried about what our next ministry will look like. I’m worried that it’s going to mean more walking or more money spent on transportation than we would originally need. I’m worried that I’m going to be an obstacle to our upcoming ministry.
I’m sorry this is not an uplifting post, but this is where I am. I’m still in the middle of the fight. I’m still in the middle of the lesson.
What I do want to tell you is that this month has been amazing. Our hosts are incredibly loving. These children are so joyful and loved. These people are changing lives. They have been teaching me what love looks like lived out. They have loved these kids through the hard times, through the tantrums that are evidence of the horrors they’ve seen, and through the everyday things. It is so beautiful to watch. I wish you could see what I’ve seen. It’s encouraged me to see that people can make a difference, one life at a time.
So thank you to everyone that has been praying for me and supporting me. Thank you for giving me a chance to see this. I hope to do justice to these beautiful stories as I tell them to you. I hope that you will be as encouraged as I have been by the things that I have been blessed enough to see.
