I’ve been avoiding this post for a few days. I even wrote one version, but it didn’t feel quite right. I haven’t been sure what I want to write and I’m still not sure, but here it goes.
I started reading a book called “Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship” by Jack Frost about a week ago. It’s an amazing book. Everyone should go out and buy it now. Really. I’ll wait.
Anyways, i’m only like 2-3 chapters in, but it has really been hitting home. I didn’t realize until debrief that I have rejection issues. And I didn’t realize that I have an orphan heart. So, you might be thinking, “what the heck does that even mean, Shannon?” Good question. A week ago, I didn’t understand what that meant either.
So the book says it way better than I ever could, but I’ll do my best. Basically, before Christ, we live as orphans. We count on our own abilities, our desires, and we live as if we have no permanent home. We’re an emotional and spiritual wreck, whether we realize it or not. I didn’t realize it. The problem is that even after we accept Jesus as our Savior, some of us still live as orphans. We still live as though we have no eternal home and no spiritual home. We try to make it on our own. I know I’m doing a horrible job at explaining what the book says, so let me tell you what I’ve learned.
I learned that when I was young, I didn’t feel emotionally or spiritually safe. This came from a betrayal of a best friend and other wounds. Because of that, I believed I had to be independent. I had to do it myself. And I couldn’t let anyone really know me or I believed they would hurt me and I wouldn’t be able to recover. I had friends, sure, but I held them at a distance. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to control when, where, and in what context I allow people to get to know me. I controlled how much I shared- only risking the smallest amount I could get away with. If I couldn’t or didn’t think I would be able to read the emotional temperature of the room, I fled. It made me feel unsafe. I didn’t seek feelings of safety from God, I looked to other places.
So where does this leave me? I’m still figuring some of that out, but…now that I’m realizing the root of some of my behaviors, I’ve been praying for healing. I’ve let myself be vulnerable with my team mates and squad mates. It’s amazing how bringing things to light can crush strongholds. These men and women have been a safe place that I can open up and they’ve loved me well. So now I’m focusing on daily accepting that Jesus is my home, that God is my Father, and that I’m loved so very fiercely. Some days, that’s a struggle, but it doesn’t change that it’s the truth.
So where is your home? And are you living like it’s your home? Where do you want your home to be?
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Thank you guys for your continued prayers! We’ve had a lot of spiritual attacks this month, so your prayers are appreciated.
Also, I’ve met my 3rd deadline! Thanks to everyone that has given- it’s appreciated more than you can imagine! My final deadline is July 1, 2014 ($16,254 total). If you feel led to give, you can either click on the top left or top center link that says “Support Me” (there is a 3% processing fee, though). The other way to give (free of fees) is to mail a check to:
Adventures in Missions
PO BOX 742570
Atlanta, GA 30374-2570
**Just be sure to write my name on the memo line!
I love you guys so much and am so thankful for you!
