For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had nightly dreams. I’ve had multiple dreams per night and they’re extremely vivid. Most days, I remember the dreams that I had the night before. I don’t know what that says about my sleep cycles or quality of sleep, but that’s my life. And most of the time, I’ve loved it.
I’ve dreamed of places years before I’ve actually been there. This year especially, I’ll be somewhere and the place feels very familiar. I then realize that I had a dream about that intersection or river or whatever years ago. It’s kinda cool actually.
But I’ve also had my fair share of nightmares. Truly horrific dreams that make me wake up in a panic with my heart racing. Usually, it comes in cycles. I’ll have happy or just plain interesting and silly dreams for awhile, then I’ll go through a streak of terror filled dreams. That’s where I’m at right now.
Since Mozi, I’ve been having bad dreams. And not just bad dreams, nightmares. After praying & having teammates pray over me & over my sleeping area, things got a little better in Mozi. Then we got to Thailand and it started all over. I’d wake up every night, terrified that someone was in our room. It’d take several minutes for me to finally believe that no one was there and that I was safe. Again, we made a nightly ritual of praying over our sleep and it helped.
This month has been the worst. Almost every night, I’ve had dreams that someone is trying to kidnap, rape, murder, or otherwise hurt me &/or my team. And every time, I wake up in a panic, and it takes awhile for me to fall back asleep. And I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And oh so frustrated. I have prayed over my sleep each night. I’ve had my team pray for me. And still the dreams come. I’ve asked God so many times why He’s allowed me to have these terrifying dreams, but I have no answer. Every time I wake up scared, I pray and He slows my heart. But still I don’t know why the dreams continue. I don’t feel unsafe where I am.
But during our worship session last night, God reminded me of something. God is not a god of fear. He’s a holy and awesome God, but He doesn’t use that power to terrify us. He loves us so dearly. Satan is the one who comes to steal, kill, & destroy. He is the one that continually tries to instill fear in us. Fear that we’re not loved. Fear that we’re not good enough. Fear that we’ll never do anything. And fear of any kind of physical attacks. That’s the kind of master Satan is. He would have me shrink in fear. He would have me silenced by the terror I wake up to.
But my Father is different. He only wants the best for me. He doesn’t intend for His daughter to live if fear. He doesn’t want my praises to be silenced. He loves me. And even though I don’t understand why He’s allowed me to have these dreams, I know He has a plan. And I know these dreams and this fear is NOT from Him. So I will continue to call out to Him should I continue to wake from these dreams scared. I will continue to trust that He is good. I will continue to count on His strength and energy to get through the day. And I will trust that He does and will continue to give me rest.
