Hey guys…
So, it’s been awhile. I’ve been wanting to blog for so long, but really haven’t known how to put what I’ve been feeling, learning, or been going through into words since, umm, like September. But this week, it’s really been hitting me. I’ve finally been able to put a name to what I’ve been feeling- Angry & Broken.
When I got to Asia (starting in Thailand) in September, something in me just shut down. I don’t know if it was a conscious decision or not. But I shut down. Between the extreme poverty, darkness, and struggles I saw in Africa and the new culture and new struggles I saw in Asia, my heart shut down. I think I got to the point where I’d seen a lot of pain and hard stories that I couldn’t let myself continue to be broken. I couldn’t let all of the stories I heard truly sink in because I couldn’t stand to feel the brokenness of it all. So I stopped. I stopped really listening to the hard stories. I stopped letting myself be vulnerable with others. I stopped investing in people the way I should’ve. I stopped letting my heart be really moved. I took the hard stuff at face value and didn’t let it get to me. But in doing so, I missed out on the joy and growth that follows the hard stuff. I’m not saying I didn’t have some good heart to hearts every now and then, but I definitely stopped seeing myself as a missionary and began viewing myself as an employee. I put in my time. I completed tasks. But I was riding out my time.
I was so excited about coming home. I was excited about “getting back to normal”. I was excited about taking some of my favorite things from the Race & making them part of my life (community, prayer, disciplines, even eating habits). I was convinced it was going to be so much better now that I was finally home. I braced myself for reverse culture shock, but was very surprised when that didn’t seem to be an issue. I got back to work, got back into my home church, and “got back to normal”. Sort of.
This week, I realized that I am angry. All the time. I don’t really like being angry, which only made me angrier. I’d pray that I would stop being angry, but only got angrier when the angry-ness didn’t go away. So this week, I’ve been really trying to pray about why I’m so angry & this is what I’ve realized-
I’m angry that I’m home and not in any other country. I’m angry that I have, what seems to be, 10 million choices about what brand of soap/coffee/shampoo/etc I can buy. I’m angry that I started eating fast food again (though I promised myself I wouldn’t start that). I’m angry that I’m so tired (post- Race fatigue SUCKS!). I’m angry when things don’t go the way I think they should throughout the work day. I’m angry when someone cuts me off in traffic or speeds by going 15 over the speed limit.
But those are only the things that get me ranting. The things that truly make me angry are-
When people feel stuck in their lives because of past decisions/mistakes. When people believe lies about their worth. When people allow lifetime habits to define them. When I see people making poor choices because they don’t think they deserve any better. When I see people who don’t realize just how much they are ADORED by a loving Father. When people believe lies about Jesus and live their lives according. And I’m angry that I feel like I can do nothing about any of this.
These things absolutely break me. And I’ve been running from this brokenness for months. I was afraid it would drag me down and chain me. I thought it would be completely depressing to think about these things for more than 30 seconds.
But lately, I’ve been trying to sit and listen for God’s voice. Not his audible voice (but that would be so cool!), but the things that He wants me to see and hear. And this week, for whatever reason, I started asking, “What breaks your heart, God?” And different things came to mind. People I know and love. Strangers I’ve met. Situations all over the world. And I let myself sit in brokenness and see how sad these things make God. How these things grieve His heart. And it reminded me just how loving of a Father He is that these things- these things we struggle with and hurt over- they matter to Him. Our pain matters to Him. It’s not what He would have for us. It’s not what He has for us. But He loves us enough to give us the ability to choose what decisions we make, what we believe, and how we’ll live. He doesn’t force His love on us, but longs to have a relationship with us.
So, I’m coming to terms with being angry over things that make God angry and being broken over the things that break God’s heart. Because if I never let these things sink into my heart, how will I ever care about praying for change, hoping for better, and loving people through their own brokenness and anger? So, I will pray. I will hope for better. And with God’s help and grace, I will love others through their brokenness and anger.
Tonight, I might be angry and broken, but joy comes in the morning.
#doesthatmakesense
