“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”
–Jim Elliot
–Jim Elliot
As of this moment, I trade in American citizenship and all the rights to comfort thereof, all my consolations, all my priviledges to privacy, in exactly three days. Three days.
How I’ve dreamed of August 11th ever since that electric night in October when all of the stories, miracles, and life changes poured so eloquently from Clinton White’s mouth to a room full of college students in the rolling hills of north Mississippi. How I’ve imagined… Will every second of this year really beat in time to the driving rhythms of Kim Daniel’s vlogs? Will every day be as full of Kingdom as Matt Snyder daily writes of? Will I really fall into the endless deep of an African orphan’s eyes? Will each day be as much of an adventure as I had planned?
Or will the mundane aspects of beating my teammates down to reach the make-shift toilet (or, hole in the ground) first drown out all these visions of world changing? Will the complete and utter lack of privacy completely expose Person A rather than her nice, likable counterpart, Person B?
I don’t know. I’m standing at this moment, looking back at all I’ve gone through to get here, and I’m bowled over. The outright attacks on me have been unending since October. Satan has pulled out every stop to try and ground me here, allowing that Ireland-bound plane to leave without me. Everything from depression, feelings of unworthiness, failure, and fear has been unleashed on my Sprit. I remember laying in my bed, too defeated to get up and go to class, crying over and over and over. It was one of the most intense emotional attacks I’ve ever experienced, and I didn’t think I was going to make it through December. Somehow, God gave me the strength and grace to make it.
Then it was my dad’s sickness, hearing the words I had dreaded for as far back as I could remember. Watching my family go through the hardest time we had ever experienced, knowing that each day was bringing me closer to being ripped away. My daddy is the strongest man I have ever known, being able to go through so much pain, day in and out, only to wake up and do it again without end in sight. Watching his strong, confident steps that I once held onto as a child dwindle to wheelchair confinement has been one of the slowest, most agonizing processes I have ever seen. Each day we believe for healing, each day God sustains. But what happens when the rubber meets the road and I say goodbye to my precious daddy, the only assurance I will see him again being my faith in God?
And two days ago, while helping my mama and daddy get to their doctor’s appointment, I tripped and fell. If anyone knows me, one of the first things they can attest to is my clumsiness. However, I have fallen only a few times in my life that resulted in serious injury. And yet, this inconspicuous fall results in a fractured arm. I was tied up in knots for hours, praying and crying and cursing under my breath at what Satan had thrown at me now. Luckily, the doctor told me it wasn’t broken (I swear I thought it was) and that I only had a minor fracture which would be corrected by taking it easy and wearing a sling for a few weeks. He told me I was perfectly fine to travel. Thank God.
I was sitting on my mom’s brown couch tonight, thinking about all that had been thrown at me. Seriously, the only thing that he hasn’t used against me has been finances and a romantic relationship hangup. If you can imagine anything else, he’s tried it.
So I’ve suffered. This year, I have suffered.
I’ve been disappointed, I’ve failed, I’ve cried more tears than I knew I could shed. I lost three dear friends since last year, all young, taken unexpectedly. I’ve seen cancers progress in many, I’ve seen loved ones fall away from God. I’ve screamed until there was no voice left. I’ve asked why so many times… I’ve watched my siblings each turn to someone special in the physical realm while my own sorrow was expressed to a man who’s face I can’t see. I’ve felt my bones crack under the attacks of my enemy, I’ve waited in the pressure cooker for God to come through as all around me time seemed to run out.
And tonight, as I processed all I’ve been so afraid to leave while driving empty roads, my ear falls on a Southern Gospel station, of which we have many. It takes me back to Sunday mornings, singing hymns with colored sunbeams lighting the green carpetted floors, a sanctuary filled with warm faces. It’s a song I’ve sang a thousand times but only tonight do I really say the words and mean them…
I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold
I’d rather be His than have riches untold
I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands
I’d rather be led by his nail-pierced hand
More than the fear of uncertainty, of discomfort, of pleasures and consolations
More than the right to walk into Walmart and buy forty bucks worth of stuff I don’t need
More than the feeling of my own bed, my mom’s homecooking, my brothers wrestling,
More than my sisters late-night talks or my daddy’s big smile
I’d rather have Jesus.
I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause
I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame
I’d rather be true to His holy name
Considering the sneers of those who don’t understand how a good Christian girl
Who truly loves her father can leave him in such a time as this,
In light of what everyone says I should be, what job I should be taking,
How successful I could be, how disappointing it is to not provide for myself
I’d rather have Jesus.
He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom
He’s sweeter than honey from out of the comb
He’s all that my hungering spirit needs
I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead
Although my family means more to me than life
And although I run the risk of returning to a different situation when I come back
And although being away from my daddy in this time will be one of the greatest pains of my life
I’d rather have Jesus.
Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin’s dread sway
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today
Rather than being the most beautiful, the most talented, the most popular,
Rather than having anything my heart could desire this year and the rest of my life
Rather than fulfill any goal or wish for myself, anything at all
Oh, I would so much rather have Jesus.
For once in my life, I can honestly say that I am giving up everything for Jesus. Not so that I will look holy or righteous, not so that I will earn Jesus points toward a bigger crown. I am giving up everything because in light of Jesus, what else could we possibly live for? What else could we possibly desire? My family is the most important thing in life, but if I am not willing to give up mothers or brothers or sisters or houses or lands for the sake of Christ, I am not worthy to be His follower.
But when it’s all said and done, the simple matter of the fact is..
I’d rather have Jesus.
