“Consume my life, Oh Lord, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life, but a full one, like you, Lord Jesus.”
— Jim Elliot
July 19, 2000:
With tears streaming down my face, staring at the white-tiled floor, I was all at once aware that the fourteen-year burden had been removed. I could have jumped and hit the ceiling, so light and free was the soul inside of me. The same-self soul that had, merely an hour past, been pinned beneath depression, anxiety, self-hatred, despair.
I lifted my eyes to meet the ones burning into me. Thirty-four different shades and lashes, seventeen people, each one wondering what could have possibly evoked the tears. I opened my mouth, aware of only one sentence before my mind shut out every other word that would be said over the next forty-five minutes.
“If I would have died tonight, I wouldn’t have gone to Heaven.”
***
Looking back on that night, grace, mercy, uncomprehensible love, compassion, and salvation crashed into my soul like an unsalvageable train wreck. And, thank God, I have been unsalvageable ever since. I can never untwist these from the cords of my life, they have dug far too deep now, suffocating thoughts of self, visions of pride. Each day, as mercy cuts off more of my humanity, I am aware that I can never fully give back to the Giver all that was given to me.
But I want to die trying.
Almost nine years ago, I stood in a classroom-turned-sanctuary in the halls of Union University, weeping before people I hardly knew, and telling them of a love just found yet so consuming that in an hour’s time I was already willing to die for it. For nearly an hour I preached and prayed, to this day unsure of what was said. This instance was the first miracle of my new life, since I knew that the Giver was speaking, not me. Within an hour of complete obedience to a Love I couldn’t even understand, four people stood to receive His gift.
I can’t take credit for that. After all, I can only remember one sentence.
As I pushed the heavy door open and walked out into the summer night, two distinct feelings played tug-of-war with my awareness.
One, being that the breeze never felt like this, that the stars never dazzled in such a way, that I never smelled flowers and grass so potently before. I knew, intrinsically, that it was due to the Giver, the one who had given me true, all-invasive and permeating peace for the first time in my life.
Two, a thought:
“Yeah… That just happened.”
I sat on a creaky bench, looking at the students hanging out around the fountain before curfew. A feeling I can’t describe, even if I had the words, washed over me. I felt such love. A moment of pivotal change occured once more that night. I whispered to God, never tearing my eyes off of them…
“God, wherever I go, please allow me to always tell them about you.”
One year later, at the very same location, the very same Centrifuge camp, I sat in the auditorium of hundreds of my peers and watched videos of faces from arond the world. It wasn’t that I had never seen mission pictures before, but something changed inside of me.
I saw an African tribal man with hundreds of peircings on his face, and my heart fell out of my chest in an inexplicable way.
I saw a young Indian woman, painted in colorful make-up, wearing a ton of silks and an outfit I had never seen before, and I wanted to hug her.
I saw a wrinkled old Chinese grandmother, black teeth and all gums, and I wanted to tell her about Jesus.
And by watching those videos, my life changed again.
At the end of the week, a night before we were supposed to leave, the worship leader was talking about how many students had been making decisions for Christ that week. He asked that we represent what God had done in us.
He then asked if there were any students that had made a commitment to give their life to mission service that week.
I stood.
Although it took me a year to realize what it was that God had made my life to do, I knew in my heart from day one that all I ever wanted was to tell others about how they could find peace and redemption and life. By fifteen, I had my outlet. And I knew it would be international.
That same year, I fell in love with Japan and started teaching myself to speak Japanese. I was very possessive about this country and really didn’t care for any other country but Japan. After about two years, I became interested in the far east in general. I read about Japan, some about China, and I wanted to go there with all of my heart.
By my second year in community college, I knew I wanted to spend the summer on the mission field. God weigh-laid me time and time again with this little country I knew nothing about… A country called Thailand.
I began to pray about serving there. I felt very convinced in my heart that this would be my mission field, but I was very skiddish about making that definite. To make a complicated story rather short, I turned on the TV for a solid week and saw news reports, commercials, TV shows, and documentaries… All about Thailand. The final straw came one day when I picked up a regular no.2 pencil, and instead of seeing a brand name on it, I saw only one word, “Thailand”.
God couldn’t have made Himself any clearer. I put aside my skepticism and stepped out on faith. I remember the December afternoon I received my acceptance email. I danced around the room! Come hell or high water, one thing was certain: I was going to Thailand!
I spent 10 weeks in Northeastern Thailand, in a region called “Isaan” working with the Isaan people.In my wildest, craziest dreams, I could have never imagined myself in such a place. I expected a place that looked like stereotypical China; I got a place that words fail me to describe, and people that blew away every expectation I ever had.
My gorgeous girls: Ann, Tukta, me, and Amp
It seems that in me, the most life-changing events happen very quickly and without much warning. Life changes for some seem to come over a period of growing, shaping, and evolution. In my case, life-change careens into me like a mack truck and I never knew what hit me.
I don’t know when I fell in love with Thailand, but when I became aware of it, I asked the Lord that He allow me to spend my life here, doing His will, living His Words, and wildly passing out invitations to the banquet He’s prepared for their honor. Three years have nearly passed since then, and I still find myself praying that prayer. If God wants to place me there for His glory, go I shall. But, in recent years, I’ve found that if it is for His glory, I’ll be just as content to go anywhere for Him. But somehow, Thailand always comes back to me in the end.
Since Thailand, I’ve had the privilege of seeing God move in Peru and China, both of which I intend of speaking lengthily about and referencing as life-changes, also! But during my summer in Thailand, I was acutely aware that I would be spending my life serving God in this venue.
Now here I am, getting ready to embark on a pilgrimage around the world. If the old me could see me now, I wouldn’t believe me at all. I feel so perfectly created for this, so overwhelmingly filled with anticipation, excitement, and peace all at once, I know for a fact that is why I was created. I hope this year will help me with a lot of questions as to where my life will head after this trip, but for now I’m perfectly content to kick back and let God write this next chapter of my life without any protests from me.
