Do you ever have a moment where you can physically feel the words of the Lord piercing your heart? Two days ago I had that moment and now today the same words hit me again, so it’s probably time to share it with you.
If you couldn’t tell from my blog I posted last week, I am struggling. I have honestly been struggling most of the race. I’ve pondered many things like why I’ve almost quit and come home three times in the last 10 months, why I’ve been sick and in pain so often, why the Lord’s voice has sounded different than I had expected, basically why has it been so hard?
On my fourth day staying back at the compound because of illness, missing ministry and struggling with a mixture of guilt for not feeling like a good enough missionary, misery over constantly being sick, and eagerness to find the purpose in it all, I opened up My Utmost for His Highest and read the devotional for the day.
The words on the page nestled themselves into my heart so immediately and so deeply, in a way that only the Lord could do from a quick afternoon devotional. The last four words on the page brought this unexpected smile over my face. It was a smile of victory. A smile of revelation. A smile of acknowledgment over all the things I’ve been feeling. A smile of realization that I finally had the answer to why I have been feeling this way. “This is poverty triumphant.”
Those words at the bottom of that page were all that I needed to know. They were all I needed in order to realize that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. They are the answer to all of my “why’s?”. I am here to be poverty triumphant. To be rich in my lack. To be victorious in my suffering. To draw on the priceless grace of God in my very moment of need (and I’ve had many this month and throughout the last eleven). I am here in this moment to draw on the grace of God in my own helplessness and to realize that in His grace I can always stand on the mountain, no matter what valley I feel like I’m walking through. In His grace I can always draw upon His living water, no matter what desert I feel like I’m living in. In His grace I can hear His song to my heart, no matter how silent I feel He is being. This is poverty triumphant.
I have held nothing back. There is nothing left in my reserves. I have poured myself out, I have given the best of what I have, while I remain poor. This is poverty triumphant.
“but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger, by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.”
“We have spoken freely to you; PHILIPPINES, CHINA, SOUTH AFRICA, MOZAMBIQUE, SWAZILAND, ROMANIA, SERBIA, UKRAINE, GUATEMALA, HONDURAS, AND PANAMA – we’re coming to you too; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections.”
– 2 Corinthians 6:4-12 (with 11 countries added in place of “Corinthians”).
I can acknowledge that I have indeed suffered. I can acknowledge that I have indeed experienced many hardships, sleepless nights, hunger and so much more. I have been honored and dishonored, slandered and praised. I can acknowledge all of these things. But as my 300th day on the race is concluding on day 1 of my final month on the race, I can say with confidence that I have endured by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left. And I am now ready to finish the race exactly this way, in the middle of this beautiful contradiction, “as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything”, as poverty triumphant.
As I draw on the grace of God right now in this very moment I realize that my heart is wide open. I’m ready right here in my mess. Month eleven, it’s time.
