To say a lot has happened since the crazy night from my last blog would be an understatement. The Lord has been doin' WORK on my heart and in my life. There's even been another night of Designated Driving haha! My pastor and dear friend Cedric, did end up seeing Tookey at the Barber Shop that week and Tookey did tell Cedric that he sold all the groceries Brad and I got him…
It hurts so bad to love freely, give generously, hope eternally, and still watch people choose destruction… THIS IS A GLIMPSE OF HOW JESUS FEELS WHEN WE TURN FROM HIS GIFT…. This is a glimpse of how Jesus feels when I turn from His gift.
Okay, moving away from my tangent, 3 days after the whole Tookey experience I was driving to the mall. I wanted to get a pair of pants that were on sale for $5. They were $5, a must have right?…. Well, I get up to the stop light and see a man holding a sign that said "war veteran, looking for light work." I got one glance at him and pretty much immediately started crying. Here I am sitting at this stop light, weeping over this man and the light will just NOT turn green. I wanted it to turn green so bad so that I could drive away quickley, get to the mall, purchase some pants and move on with my life. But every second that passed broke my heart more and more for this man and I found my mind racing on what I could do for him.
Finally the light was green and I could be let off the hook. But I wasn't. I pulled into the mall parking lot, sat there crying in my car starring across the street at this man. What is wrong with me!? I have seen HUNDREDS of homeless people in my life. I have served in some of the most broken places in the world. Not to mention the broken places in my own neighborhoods. Why am I being so effected by this now?? Because God is giving me His heart for His children like never before. Lord, help me.
I turned my car around and went back to the man. His name is Kent. Kent had quite the story which is too long and winding to type out. But he was trying to get enough money so that he could get up to Wisconsin. I told him I could buy him the bus ticket. Once we were in my car I told him that the Lord gave me His heart for him and that I had to talk to him. I did my best to make our conversation significant and Spirit filled. We got to the Greyhound station just as they were closing and the woman working there would NOT let us in. I tried explaining our situation to her and she could care less. So then my heart started breaking for her too! Ugh, being a Christian is emotionally exhausting sometimes haha! So, I ended up getting Kent a room at the nearest hotel so he could be warm, shower, and have the complimentary breakfast in the morning. I gave him a hug and told him I would be praying for him.
I left there an emotional wreck…. ((side note: I ended up going over to Cedric (my pastor/friend) and Hannah (his wife/one of my best friends) that night and spilling to them everything that was botteled up in my head and heart. I gave Cedric Kent's hotel room number and he visited Kent the next day and bought him his bus ticket. Praise God for the amazing people in my life!)) This, just 3 days after the Tookey experience, was just TOO much. What was happening to me? Why do I do the things I do? That could have been an exteremely dumb and dangerous thing to do! But I had NO fear. I didn't even have doubt. What if something terrible happens to me the next time I do something like this?
Thoughts of reason sometimes try to creep into my head and I immediately rebuke them. I am not afraid. I praise God for the absense of fear of man in me! I only want to fear God and if I'm fearing Him, HE will be my safe and strong tower!! I will continue to do what I feel Him leading me into. I know that when our trip begins the Lord is going to present us with some pretty insane opportunities. Things that may be dangerous, scary, or downright crazy. I pray that my heart will be so broken into aligment with Him that I cannot deny His will. I don't want to do crazy things for the sake of being crazy, but I DO want to do crazy things for the sake of the GOSPEL.
Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.
1 Corinthians 9:19-23
This verse says it all. I want so bad to be a person that is living a life of wreckless abandonment for my Father. On the World Race I pray that my teammates and I will truly become 'all things to all men so that we might save some'. It is key to understand that that verse says "save SOME" and not save ALL. I may not have saved Tookey, I may not have saved Kent but I do know that I did all of that for the sake of the gospel and the rest is not up to me. I know that on our trip we will have many moments of feeling broken and discouraged. We will question if what we are doing is even effecting ANYTHING at all, but the fact of the matter is that it is not up to us! WE are NOT in control! I am overwhelmed with the JOY of living in such freedom! – Much better than some $5 pants, right? 😉
