All the nights that were to follow, if we were faithful to pray over me and rub oil on me I would make it through the night without a spasm, but any night that we forgot to do so I would have a spasm in the middle of the night. Sometimes we pray for something and then when it doesn’t happen we just give up. But the Bible tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to “Pray without ceasing.” If God were always going to give us immediate results then why on earth would we be called to “pray without ceasing”? The month of Mozambique God truly brought me to a place of desperation before Him. There was no other way for me to make it through all the challenges that were put before me without Him and Him alone. I was lost, afraid, weak and sick and absolutely NOTHING was working except falling on my face before Him crying out for help. Isn’t this exactly where He wants us? Recognizing our own weakness and helplessness without Him and realizing our desperate need for His power in our lives.
We left Mozambique and traveled back to South Africa for a four day debrief before heading to Swaziland. The fight for my voice continued in South Africa both physically and spiritually. I was spiritually lost, unable to use my voice and walk in my true identity as a woman of strength, confidence and words. I had a couple people tell me that Satan will try to do anything he can to get you to believe you are the exact opposite of who God made you to be. That was certainly how I was feeling! I was weak and afraid both spiritually and physically and honestly just didn’t know what I could do to snap myself out of it. From the spiritual aspect of things, I was encouraged when someone told me that it is okay to not be a woman of words right now. That maybe for now I’m just supposed to be a woman that others speak into, rather than always being the one who is expected to speak. That for now maybe I should just sit back and receive and when it is time God will give me words again and I will be sharper and more developed in that gift from going through this period of quiet. As for the physical aspect of my voice, again, if we covered me in prayer and oil before bed I would make it through the night; if we didn’t then I would be woken by a spasm. Our last night in South Africa the spasms got so bad that for the first time I actually did throw up; in my hair, on my bed, on my down sleeping bag… Between my sobs I was literally begging Jesus to help me. The women I shared a room with were absolutely amazing. They rallied around me in prayer, sang songs of worship over me, and simply gave me the comforting touch of their hand on my back. They spoke words of truth and life over me until I was calm enough to lie down and attempt to rest. Praise God for putting people in our lives that are such a beautiful representation of His relentless love!!
The next morning I was able to go to the hospital before we left for Swaziland. After chest and head x-rays as well as blood work, the doctor told me that for the last month we had been treating my symptoms with antibiotic medicine when what I needed was anti-inflammatory medicine. Turned out the x-rays showed inflammation in my head, in all those things that are connected – nose, throat, ears, lungs, and that is what’s making it hard for me to breathe. I was given a whole new list of drugs to take, along with the medicine and inhaler I was previously given, and was sent on my way. Praise God we are finally seeing improvement!! I don’t have the feeling of someone sitting on my chest any longer, my breathing is much more natural, and I have only had a couple spasms and I’ve only thrown up once! I have made it through every night without waking up to a spasm!
Along with the physical improvement to my voice, I am starting to gain my voice back spiritually as well. It is still something I am fighting through, fighting against the lies that creep in telling me I’m insignificant and have nothing to offer, but I believe I am going to pull through this with a more intimate relationship with Christ as well as a deeper understanding of His gifts. I think I have been in the same place spiritually for a long time and God is using this as an opportunity to bring me into something new. He is breaking me to shed an old layer of myself that needs to be shed so that I can walk in a newness and authority that I didn’t know I had within me. Although Satan has tried hard to bring me down, he does NOT have the upper hand. I walk in the victory of the Cross of Christ and HIS power is made PERFECT in my weakness!
‘“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
