Anticipated results: 42 burgers and 4 oil burns.
Preparing Tuna –
Step 1: Buy second-rate tuna fish from the only grocery store in town.
Step 2: Start cooking at least two hours before the scheduled dinner time. Enlist the help of a teammate to make the fire. (Just call her “Lord of the Flame!”)
Step 3: Begin opening tuna cans. Ensure that tuna explodes all over your clothes. TIP: Don’t forget to spill the majority of the tuna on the ground during the following steps.
Step 4: Remember that the house no longer has any water. Pause and ponder the most appropriate way to clean clothes and hands. Determine that there is no apropos method. Repeat Step 3.
Step 5: Drain tuna. Experiment with the first can and realize that the lid will not serve as the traditional drain assistant. Proceed to strain tuna bit by bit in your hand. Remember the TIP from Step 3.
Step 6: Repeat Step 5 until all the cans are mostly empty. TIP: Cutting your hand on the edge of can number 5 of 20 makes the whole process remarkably easier.
Combining Ingredients –
Step 1: Add an entire pot of chopped onions. (Chopped by a team-mate watching The Notebook. The tears may or may not be caused solely by the onion.)
Step 2: Throw in a few dollops of mayonnaise. (Discover that half of the mayonnaise has been used to eradicate lice from a teammate’s head. Make do with what you have.)
Step 3: Crack 6-10 eggs and add to to tuna concoction. TIP: Try and avoid leaving shells in the tuna. If that doesn’t work, just tell the team the burgers are extra crunchy.
Step 4: Grind a handful of crackers into tiny pieces with your hands and add to mixture.
Step 5: Prepare to blend all the ingredients together with your hands. Remove rings from fingers (After the last debacle of cooking tuna burgers, your rings smelled like tuna for a week.) Blend until the final product looks like a whitish, fishy mush.
Cooking –
Step 1: Fend of multiple reminders that the fire is getting cold since it has taken substantially longer to prepare the tuna than you anticipated. Remember that there is no water to wash your hands. So, ask a teammate to carry the giant pot of tuna outside to the fire.
Step 2: Place the unwieldily frying pan on top of the red-hot charcoal. Pour a little oil into the frying pan. Wait a few minutes.
Step 3: Mold a handful of the tuna concoction into a burger shape. Drop it into the frying pan. Discover that you waited too long and the oil is already too hot. Quickly flip the burger. TIP: Pray that the burger doesn’t disintegrate in the process.
Step 4: Remove frying pan from fire. Remember that the handle is tenuously attached and is prone to flip the frying pan upside down. TIP: In this situation, at all costs avoid tipping the hot oil into the fire. An oil fire is no laughing matter. Under no circumstance allow the tuna to fall on the ground, tuna is a precious commodity.
As I said….no laughing matter.
But apparently, Jordan doesn't agree.
Step 5: Since the oil is bubbling in a strange manner and the tuna is impossible to see, remove tuna prematurely from the oil. Place the burger, now in at least three pieces, on the tray.
Step 6: Replace frying pan on the fire and repeat Steps 3-4. Wait a little longer next time before removing tuna. Discover that the tuna has turned to charcoal.
Step 7: While cooking the remaining burgers, discover that the oil in the pan has turned black. Confer with your fellow-chef as to the appropriate method for disposing of the oil. Fellow-chef suggests pouring it down the squatty potty.
Step 8: In the pitch-black outside, have your fellow-chef delicately take the frying pan and proceed towards the squatty-potty. Half-way there, prevent your fellow-chef from pouring hot oil onto themselves.
Step 8: Repeat Steps 3-7 until all the burgers have spent some time in the hot oil. TIP: Periodically, the fire will require a replenishment of charcoal. Under these circumstances refer to the instructions in Step 4.
Eating –
Step 1: Carry now cold tuna burgers inside the house, using a head-lamp to ensure you don’t trip over buckets of water.
Step 2: Fight away squad-mates that mob the table.
Step 3: Announce that dinner is served. Look at the clock and discover that dinner is being served at least 2 hours after the scheduled time.
Step 4: Celebrate the fact that even if the water is off, at least the electricity is on. Thank the Lord for tuna and teammates!
Step 5: Discover the greatest coup of the month – real Heinz ketchup!!!!!!
And THAT is how you cook tuna burgers on the World Race!
