The World Race and life in the United States are like 2 different worlds.
When I returned home from the World Race, my journey to 11 different countries for close to a year almost felt like a distant dream, and I was simply waking up to the next day right where I had left off. Life on the Race was so real to me as I lived out each moment. And then life at home was my reality again. There was my World Race family/community and my home family/community. There was the World Race culture and my home culture. There was the World Race Shannon and the pre-World Race Shannon. But I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around how to mold these two worlds together.
As I returned home I was wrestling with how I could fit back into this lifestyle and at the same time wrestling with how I could stand out. I didn’t feel like myself, and at that point I started questioning, well what does it feel like to feel “myself”? Who am I??!! Much of things at home were still very much the same and so it made it an easier invitation for me act the same as I had before I left. I kept myself quite busy and yet even in times where I took intentional rest I still felt so restless.
As I came to Project Searchlight that is when God shook me awake and was able to show me how to piece the two together. I was given the space to process and look back at the past year of my life and what God had done. And God spoke to me so loud, whether it was through encouragements from teammates, worship sessions with an outpouring of the Holy Spirit, prophecies spoken over me, a one on one debrief conversation, or extremely convicting talks. There was an overarching theme that God seemed to be trying to show me.
I was filled with fear. I didn’t know where it was stemming from though. Was it fear of not having clear direction for my future? Or fear of my relationships with friends and family? Fear of commitment? Fear of being back in the US? Fear of not having stability? No. God showed me that my fear was of failing Him. Fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of not doing enough, fear of not giving Him all He deserves and letting Him down. And this had carried into so many of my relationships and problems I was having for so long.
But the truth was constantly poured over me that I have the Holy Spirit inside of me, GOD INSIDE OF ME. So what could I possibly have to fear? God reminded me of all He showed me on the World Race- what it looks like to walk in the spiritual realm, what my giftings are, healing, the power of prayer, the power of His Word, random relationships, dealing with conflict…and the list goes on. I was so stuck in getting things right that I didn’t do anything at all. And I was putting those same expectations on others. I was searching for affirmations and confirmations about what more I could do for God during Searchlight and the answer I kept getting was that God is just ready to move through me.
Opportunities go by but the time is now. I don’t need to ask God for more clarity or for what is next. He has made everything pretty dang clear! I was made to build His Kingdom- to make disciples and to worship my God. It’s no longer to dream of ideas and think about what God wants me to do. It’s time to GO and let the Holy Spirit work. I don’t need to learn more about Jesus and be more equipped, I need to BE JESUS.
I was looking for answers and more clarity and what I got was more Jesus. And ya know, that’s exactly what I needed and always need.
What I experienced this week was freedom. And Jesus makes me feel ALIVE. During my time at Searchlight I was able to piece the two worlds of the World Race and life at home in the US together: GOD is my home and He has made His home in me.
And I’m ready to bring others home.
