I’m dumping out my bucket list. I don’t want it anymore. I just want to chase after Jesus radically and do what He asks of me so that all glory goes to Him.
I was sitting in the back of a truck crowded with my Malawian friends as we were off to our ministry and i started thinking. How am i even here right now? What did I want from this experience? What do I want?
Going back to Bolivia, I had written down a bunch of goals and my bucket list. I got all excited thinking about things I wanna do later on like go to Iceland, learn guitar, run a marathon and full triathlon..etc. And I remember sharing bucket lists with a bunch of my squadmates.
I also had lots of goals set. I wanted to spend at least an hour of quiet time a morning and do a devotion, to learn a new bible verse each month. I wanted to list 100 gifts from each month, learn more about what my spiritual giftings are.
But my time in Malawi changed a lot for me. God changed a lot for me. I was thrown for a whirlwind and stripped of many of my comforts and things I’d known. We all were. There was of course the physical discomforts of having no water and electricity, my skin problems acting up again, long car rides packed with people. And then there was the mental aspect of being on a new team, being asked to preach on the spot when im afraid of public speaking, my patience being tested to the max at times. And then the spiritual discomforts where casting out demons, healing, speaking in tongues and prophecies became a normal thing to witness, and we had to question and discern what was truth and God.
Yet it was in this place of all my comforts being stripped away that I was simply left with me and Jesus. I prayed for guidance and strength. What God did tell me was that I could trust the people I was with. And thus I let myself be taught. It was very humbling. And they were so patient with us in all our confusion. I had so many amazing talks with many of them one on one and got to hear some of their stories. I got to ask lots of questions. They helped to teach me boldness in having the faith that if you have the power of the spirit you can command anything in God’s name and it will happen. Yet the biggest thing I learned just from observing them was their passion and love of the Lord. The way that they live out their lives is in a way where they literally can’t help but talk about Jesus. They spend almost all of their time with God or bringing God to others.
I had to question my own life. What are my motives for everything I do. Why do I have the goals I do? I realized that many of my motives are so self centered. I do my quiet times and memorize because I should, because it is what I need to do if I want to grow and if I don’t I’ll regret it. Or even thinking about me wanting to heal someone so that I can say that I healed them. And why don’t I like to speak in front of others- because I’m afraid of what others will think and that I don’t have the right words to say. I’m often afraid to tell people the hard truths because I’m a people pleaser.
Yet why isn’t it that i am so in love with Christ that I have the true desire just to sit and spend time with God, to dive into His word because it is so sweet to read. Why do I give because I feel I should and it will make me look better. What if it was because I was so filled with God’s love that it was just a natural reflex?
God gave me a vision while I was praying during one of our crusades. The vision was me climbing up a mountain. As I was hiking, a light snow started blowing towards my face. Then the winds picked up and the snow got a little heavier. It started pushing me backwards. The snow got heavier and heavier until it completely covered me. And out of the top of the snow sprouted a rose.I was confused about this vision thinking hmmm well OK this must mean that I’m going to come across some things soon that are going to push me back, maybe fears or troubles, or temptations and sin that I’m gonna fight against and will get me down yet God will be the rose and my hope at the end. Well later I had a talk with one of my ministry friends named George who has so much wisdom and he said he wasn’t sure but that maybe it had to do with being washed white as snow. And that’s when it all became clear to me and God brought all the answers flooding into my head. The snow was the
Spirit coming down heavy on me, an avalanche of God’s love. How beautiful. And this made sense to me because this is what I had been feeling so strong.
I don’t want my bucket list anymore. I say forget my bucket list. These are just selfish desires. They arent bad things in and of themselves but they are just things that can become distractions. Who cares if I get to go to Iceland or not? Who cares if i get to go to Victoria Falls during the Race or not? What if we built our bucket lists with the Lord and let him inspire us with seemingly impossible things that can change lives and build His kingdom in amazing ways. That’s what I want. I don’t want me, I don’t want my comforts, I want Jesus.
What if we were so moved by what God has done for us that we actually took the bible, God’s words completely seriously? When God says to give up everything and to come follow him, we do just that? To sell everything and give to the poor. To be like the poor woman who drops in her two coins, giving our all and holding nothing back from the Lord. To love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. To go to the poor, the crippled, lame and blind, putting aside all pride and fear. To go wherever God sends us , to the darkest places that need the most light. To say whatever he commands us. To treat everyone as if they were Jesus.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God. 1 corinthians 10: 31
Why do we think we can pick and choose the parts of the gospel we want to follow? Or add and subtract to his word, putting our own words in God’s mouth? To say yes to some things God asks of us but then say “wow wow wow OK God what do you think I’m crazy that’s far enough. You can’t ask that of me.” We start making excuses for everything because we dont completely trust God. We think well that’s unsafe, God wouldn’t put me in any sort of danger. Or maybe we think our faith isnt at that point yet, but we’ve heard and know so we need to act. We think well you can’t actually take every command of Jesus completely serious because its just not reasonable or doable.
But the disciples did! Look at Acts and the disciples there. They were imprisoned, flogged and beaten, constantly ridiculed, they’d given up all that they had for the sake of the gospel and the Kingdom. Yet look at them, they are constantly rejoicing and so filled with joy because they feel so honored to get to take part in building God’s kingdom and suffering for his sake. They are literally willing to do anything and everything for Christ. And it’s all out of a motivation of love. They received so much love from the Lord that love is leaking from them uncontrollably.
We can be like this. These weren’t just stories and these weren’t superhumans. They were just Jesus freaks. And gosh I just wanna be a Jesus freak too.
When hearing this kind of stuff so many excuses bubble up in our minds. Well they do in mine at least.
How often do we find ourselves asking God :
What more can I strip away so that I put myself in a place where i have to trust Him?
And if we are honest with ourselves and think that we don’t have these kind of passions and just don’t love the Lord enough then my encouragement is to ask for it. Ask God for an avalanche of his grace and love so that you are completely overwhelmed by it.
He wants to walk through everything with us. With me. With you.
One of my friends gave the example of just how excited God gets when you want to spend time with him. He starts opening up to us and revealing things to us as a friend would when we build that tight relationship. So let God talk to you and inspire you.
There was another vision God gave me for my squad. The vision was of all of us sitting on a huge extremely comfortable couch. As we are sitting there the cushions on the arms of the couch slowly roll back to reveal the wood underneath. Then the back cushion is rolled away to where we are sitting against a wooden back and it feels a little less comfortable. Then the cushion is pulled from underneath us. So we are left sitting on a wooden couch. Then the arms of the couch disappear. The back of the couch disappears and we are left with a bench. Then the legs break and the bench falls. Some of us are thrown to our knees and others fall completely on their faces. Then in front of us appears a huge throne and it is radiating with light that spreads down to us. Our faces are glowing.
When we surrender everything God gives us everything. God asks us to strip away all not so we suffer but so we rely fully on Him. Because the end goal of God’s glory is what is best for us and best for all. God never said it would be easy but he did say that he will provide us true joy and true treasures that nothing can compare with and nothing can destroy if we cling to him. And thats because he truly deeply loves us.
“Yet whatever gains I had, these I have come to regard as loss because of Christ. More than that I regard everything as loss because of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and regard them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law but one that comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness of God based on faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead.” Phil 3: 7-11
Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again rejoice!
