God has been putting something on my heart lately to share. I have head knowledge of how powerful God is but my faith to back that up has been somewhat weak lately. As I have prayed for faith God has reminded to look at what he has done in my life. How he’s power has totally transformed me. Of course he is right and I feel I need to share with you my story. Some have gotten bits and pieces but here is the whole thing as concisely as I can make it.
Growing up I learned many things.
I learned that I was different from everyone else because the birth defect I had with my eyes.
I learned being different was a bad thing.
I learned that those you are supposed to trust betray you.
I learned that everyone always will leave you.
I learned that I was ugly and messed up.
I learned people are mean and want to hurt you.
I learned that you have to take care of yourself because no ones will.
I learned never to let anyone see me cry.
I learned that words are powerful and used them often.
I learned that guys only want one thing and will use you, so you use them first.
I learned that alcohol numbs the pain at least for a little while.
I learned that there was no reason or purpose to life.
I learned you could end your life with a bottle of pills.
So at 14 years old I was a mess. I truly thought I was God’s mess up, though I did not know if I even believed in God. I hated myself and the world I had to live in everyday. It hurt so much that I could not take it anymore. But of course I couldn’t show anyone that I was dying inside. No, I put that smile on, made straight A’s, was a cheerleading, and ran track all in high school. But alone I would sit with a bottle of pills and wonder how many it would take to end my life. But, I knew I could never do it because I know first hand what suicide does to those left behind. I knew it would destroy my parents if I ended my life. So, I spent the next three years try anyway I could to numb the pain and find enough strength to fight to live through another day.
At 17 I hit rock bottom. I committed a crime and by the grace of God was not arrested and charged. I woke up and realized I couldn’t keep doing this anymore. I began searching for meaning in this life. I began looking into Wicca. Then I met some people who became my friends and invited me to their youth group at their church. I thought what the heck I’ll check it out. That night God spoke to me. My youth pastor, Jon was talking about how we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts and how we try to fill it up with money, fame, relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc. He said that Jesus is the only on who could fill that hole. Well, that hit me hard. I thought well nothing else has worked why not try some Jesus. I accepted Jesus as my Savior and threw myself into the Bible and church. God really proved himself to me during that first year, but the battle was still being fought.
You see my desire to die did not end. It actually increased once I became a Christian. I thought Heaven sounds amazing, God take me now. I would actually pray for my life to end. I would pray for a terminal disease or to get hit by a car. I would drive at 90 mph and just pray I would crash. I was still fighting to live. It was as if I was hanging in a dark hole and Jesus was holding on to me. I knew he wouldn’t let go, but I didn’t know how to get out of the hole.
Well, God is powerful and he showed me that my life mattered. He used me to impact others. He used my pain and past experience to help others. God gave me a purpose in life. As he was using me that time span that I wanted to live kept getting longer and longer until I was about 20 I realized that I wanted to live life. I was on this earth because God still had work for me to do. He plans to use me to help other teenagers come out of the darkness and into the light.
God again has worked his power in my life. After I became a Christian I still struggled with depression. I would never admit it to anyone and had not until a year ago and God forced me to break down in my bible study. I realized that I was still hanging in that dark hole but Jesus came to give me life, abundant life not just hanging on to life. He begin transforming me and at training camp he cemented that hole shut. I know deep inside me that I will never suffer from the hold of depression again. God has healed me completely and for the first time I knew what it was to live life abundantly. To experience the joy and peace that Jesus has brought us.
I know that God is still molding and shaping me. I know that this next year is going to break me, stretch me, and transform me into a totally new person. My heart is already breaking for the people I am going to encounter. God has given me a heart that can empathize with a fly and I know he is going to use it to touch many lives and those lives are going to touch me. I serve a powerful and mighty God who can use and transform anyone to be a warrior for his Kingdom. I don’t want to fight for my life anymore. I want to fight for God’s Kingdom.
