It has been hard to write a
blog because so much has been going in with me. Africa was a really hard three months. I was overwhelmed by the spiritual climate
of the continent. I was exhausted
and ready to quit by the time I reached our month in Jo’burg. I didn’t know what was going on with
me. I felt far from God and unable
to hear his voice. I was tormented
by voices that put horrible thoughts in my head about my teammates. I felt alone and unloved. Things that I had not felt in a
while. At debrief I realized that
I couldn’t make it three more months like this. I finally began to hear God’s voice again. I realized that I had been silenced. I had crawled back into my safe hole
and shut off. I let the devil take
over.
I started to fight back by
obeying God’s words to me. I had
been disobedient in 
things he had called me to do because I was afraid of what
my team would say. I was worried
about their judgments so I chose not to be obedient. At debrief I began to change that. I shared what was on my heart with my team. They reacted better than I
thought. They challenged me to
always be obedient to God’s voice. I was still struggling though. Then one night one of my squad mates, Rocio shared about what God had
been doing in her life on the race. She talked about the spirit of rejection. As I was listening I knew what had been wrong with me the
past couple of months. I had
allowed the spirit of rejection back in my life again. It had silenced me and paralyzed
me.
I have dealt with rejection
my whole life. At training camp I
had prayed for healing and received it. I had walked in it up until Africa. I had begun to live in fear of man 
instead of fear of
God. I had been so afraid to be
vulnerable and admit that I needed people, especially my team. I never worry about being rejected by
strangers, but those who I have opened up to and begun to care about are a
risk. I was afraid to rely on my
team for fear that they would not be there for me. The words “I need…” are very hard for me to say. It is safer not to need, but God did not create us this way. He created us to be in relationship
with each other.
It was not enough for me to
just listen to Rocio and recognize what had been wrong. No, God wanted more. As we were worshipping together after
her talk, God very clearing called me to stand up in front of the whole squad
and share my heart. To tell them I
have been struggling with rejection and that I needed their prayers. I sat there for a good 20 minutes
debating with God, but I knew the only to
get rid of the spirit of rejection
was to bring it to light. So, with
tears streaming down my face I stood up and shred my heart with my squad. They surrounded me and prayed over
me. A peace I had not felt in a
while came over me. My team was
wonderful that night, by supporting and encouraging me. People on my squad were also so
supportive and encouraging too.
I felt a freedom again after
that night. I have been reminded
that it is a risk to be vulnerable, but it is worth it when you have deeper
relationships that develop. I also
learned that God is my true support and comfort and he is always there even
when people let me down and hurt me. People are imperfect and will make mistakes that hurt. When those times happen I have to turn
to the Lord with my pain and find peace and comfort in him. I have to always walk in obedience to
God no matter the risk.
I am in a much better place
here in Romania. I am awed by the
beauty of God’s creation. I truly
love it here in Romania. It is a
dark and hopeless place spiritual which breaks my heart. I wish I could describe what I am
experiencing here, but I don’t know how to put it into words. It is hard to communicate because they
don’t speak English, but I have been able to love on some kids here and pray
for this land. So here are
pictures of this land. I have been so affected by the beauty of this country.
