Ruin Me

For the past few weeks I have been feeling pretty down and discouraged.

I have been overwhelmed with everything I have to do for school and graduation (which is coming in a short 25 days!!!)

I have been feeling lost when it comes to fundraising. I’m learning to trust God more and more, but I’m still not sure exactly what that looks like when it comes to fundraising.

I have been feeling extremely distant from friends that have been there all through college. Moving home and getting ready for the Race, my life looks completely different than it has the past few years and I am really struggling with not being included in the things I always used to be included in.

With all these things going through my head on a daily basis, I became extremely overwhelmed and discouraged.

Until today..

Today, while driving to work, a song came on called Ruin Me by The Jeff Johnson band. The lyrics of this song say:

Ruin my life, the plans that I’ve made,

Ruin these eyes for my own selfish gain,

Destroy the atoms that have taken your place,

Until its You alone I live for.

As I heard these words, I remembered that this song had been my prayer many times. I have asked God over and over again to take away anything that didn’t point me to Him. To ruin my life and my plans if they aren’t according to His Will.

All of these things ultimately come down to Change. Oddly enough, at the beginning of this year, I asked God for a word for this year and the word He gave me was Change.

Though these things are hard and a lot of them hurt, I was reminded today that God is answering the prayers I’ve had for years.   

My sophomore year of college, I remember, sitting in the bathroom at my sorority house, praying to God about some boy that I had a crush on and saying, “God If it’s meant to be please, let it happen. If it’s not Your Will, take it away and let it be okay.” And I remember being terrified of what the answer would be, but that was only the beginning.

And as I continue to pray these types of prayers, even when they are scary or when they hurt, I know that I have asked for this (over and over I asked for this) and God is showing up and carrying out His Will in my life.