Wednesday,
November 07, 2012, 5:50 PM
Disclaimer:
Don’t read this if you don’t want to know a part of me that is broken.
I am frustrated. I’m twenty-five,
living in the real world, working, paying bills, trying to grow in my walk with
God, and I am not content. Nights like these I honestly just feel alone.
I’ve lived in Kearney for over two years. I realize I have
not worked hard enough to get plugged into the church, but it’s not as if I
haven’t tried. I’ve been going to church, I’m helping with Sunday School, I go
to Overflow, I’ve helped with the Youth Group, I’ve led a Bible Study, I’ve
gone to small groups, and I go to Men’s Group. And despite my efforts, I still
find myself as a twenty-five year old young man driving an hour home to my
family on the weekends because I am hungry for real fellowship that I can’t
seem to find in a town of 30,000+ people.
Have you ever felt like that? Like
if you disappeared for a while the only people who would know that you are
gone are: your coworkers because they need your help, your landlord because he
would like your rent, and the IRS because they want your money. Outside of
them, nobody else really notices if you’re around. And honestly, nobody else
really cares. They’ve all got stuff they’re doing, places to go and people to
see and you’re just not one of them.
I know this is my fault. I know the
reason I don’t have a lot of friends is because I haven’t been aggressive
enough. I’m just angry that it takes so much blasted work. Why has God made me
so darn needy? Seriously, I need water to drink, food to eat, light to see,
oxygen to breathe, warmth to function, I spend 1/3 of my life unconscious while
my body tries to recharge itself, and if that wasn’t enough, I have to work extra
hard to try and make friends to fill an emotional need to be loved and
accepted.
Am I really that needy? I can’t just
live a normal life, say hi to people here and there, have a conversation every
once in a while, be casual friends with people and be fine? Why do I hunger for
something more? Shouldn’t God be enough?
Why do I hunger for intimacy? Why is
it that when I don’t have intimate fellowship in my life I feel: worth-less, undesirable, rejected, and alone? Why do I feel like something is wrong with
me? Why do I feel like less of a person? Isn’t this hungering for the approval
and acceptance of man instead of the approval and acceptance of God? Why does
love from another person feel so much more tangible than God’s love? I know God
loves me and He accepts me. So, why is it so hard to believe that I have value
when He is the only one who seems to attribute me any?
I don’t know what more to say. I
desire authentic christian fellowship probably more than anything else in my
life at this point. I wish I didn’t, but I do. It doesn’t seem like a Biblical need
to me, but it’s there.
This is the real Seth Rehmert, and I
am one needy character.
