Not literally.
This is a saying one of my old football coaches used to yell all the time (I think it was him, at least). He would yell "Seth! Get that monkey off your back and get your head in the game!" Or something similar. Football was not my strongest sport, so I heard it with some regularity. He would mean that since I wasn't understanding the plays, or moving fast enough, or getting angry (usually my biggest issue), that there was a "monkey" on my back distracting me and slowing me down. I don't know who said it first or where the saying came from, but it makes sense. I mean if there was a monkey on my back I would not be operating at optimum efficiency. Monkeys are heavy, and I personally am terrified of them.
It hit me last night as I was trying, and failing, to sleep that this is the best way to describe what I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. There has undoubtedly been a giant horrific monkey on my back. Not unlike the baboon pictured above, I'm sure. I've been feeling a bunch of paradoxes. I've wanted to go and do something, but haven't felt motivated in the least. I've been extremely exhausted all the time, but haven't done anything to deserve the exhaustion. Headaches all the time, frustration at the drop of a hat. I've been in a holding pattern, and it's been driving me insane. Being so close to launch has left me with pretty much nothing to do. Having nothing to pour into or constantly work on has been making me a bit stir crazy. It's been less than enjoyable. Normally I would attribute all of this to some kind of illness or just boredom. But its been more than that. Some old sin I've dealt with all my life has reared its ugly (probably monkey shaped) head. The kind of sin that makes you feel inferior. Makes you feel real bad about yourself. Sin that makes me feel very distant from God.
After talking with some of my squad mates about all of it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably getting smacked around by some subtle spiritual warfare. Being that we're this close to launch, I figured it would happen eventually. I haven't wanted to talk to God. I haven't wanted to read my Bible with any intentionality. Very little has brought me joy in these past 2 weeks. It's made me crave launch to have something to do rather than have the journey of a lifetime. I've been going crazy.
Darn that monkey.
Like I said, I shared a lot of this with some of my squad mates. I was given a great deal of encouragement, and that was great! But one thing stuck with me. I was talking with one girl specifically when she told me when she prayed for me that she saw a picture of a tree. That Psalm 1:3 is a good picture of my life. That I am a Godly man, a strong tree producing fruit. Something that can't change just because of a little spiritual warfare or sin. It doesn't matter what comes my way, I can handle it with God. No matter how distant I feel, He is always there. Nothing can or will change that. I am strong in Christ.
I'd love to sit here and say that the monkey is in my rear view mirror. That I got rid of him and that's why I'm blogging. But no such luck. Not yet anyway. Spiritual warfare is just that; war. And war isn't something that gets solved instantly. I need to spend some more time with God. Pray for His wisdom, courage, and strength to get to a place where I can beat the monkey into submission. A place where I listen to God instead of wallow. Pray for me as I fight this abominable baboon on my back. As I go to war with these lies the devil tells to bring me down. I'll surely need it.
The next time you're feeling down, weak, worthless, or lacking. The next time you feel like you can't even talk to God. Maybe you need to look in a mirror. You might just have a horrible, hairy monkey on your back.
My question to you is, are you gonna let him stay there?
-Seth
|
Wanna join me on this journey? Pray for me. Pray for W squad overall. Heck, pray for everybody who is and will be going on the World Race. It certainly couldn't hurt! If you want to contribute more I still need quite a bit of money to head out on this journey, and would love for you to partner with me financially! Click the "Support Me" tab on the left hand side of this page or you could send a check in the mail to avoid the online processing fee. Send all checks to: Adventures in Missions Make sure you put POWELLSETH in the memo line to make sure the donation makes it to me! Wanna see what's going on with me? Subscribe to my blog! On the left hand side you will see a tab that says "Update Alerts." Click that puppy and you will know whenever I post a new blog! |
