Stars everywhere. Clouds passing around and through us. Cool mountain air. Beauty unparalleled.
This past weekend the BFF’s had the privilege of traveling up into the Comarca (the Ngobe Indian reservation) and camping next to one of the indigenous churches in Pilon. This month we’ve been working with several churches run by indigenous Ngobe pastors. We’d go into the Comarca and build benches, paint benches, show movies, do dramas, evangelize, and just generally support the local pastors. Every day we’d drive in we’d be in Panamanian jungle. Rough roads, no electricity. Just jungle and mountain.
Upon heading into Pilon I was unsettled, exhausted, and run down. I was fizzling out. Our month in Panama was coming to a close and it was taking a toll on me. It being the end of the month I was also getting full swing into logistical planning for getting everyone to Thailand. I was having a hard time finding the redeeming qualities in anything. I love camping, even more so the chance to camp on a Panamanian mountain. But I couldn’t even find joy in that. I was really just hanging on best I could. Community was wearing on me. Micro analyzing every word anyone says is both monotonous and frustrating at times. Couple this with the drama we needed to practice and put on for the Ngobe in Pilon, I was simply struggling.
The ride was rough. We shredded a tire, had to hike a bit to where we were staying, and it was as humid as any summer day in Mississippi. Things were not looking great. We set up camp next to the church, threw our stuff in our tents and were given free reign until the movie started that night. I roamed around, speaking to the Ngobe in my broken, terrible Spanish. I was just kinda moving around. Not really feeling anything. Not really feeling anything from God. Floating.
Then the night came and we showed the movie. The Ngobe were transfixed. They don’t have electricity, much less movies. There were over 100 people crammed into this tiny little pavilion-style church. The movie was about the gospel from Mary Magdalene’s point of view. The Ngobe were eating it up. I was not.
It was then that I noticed the stars. The mountain itself was incredibly beautiful. Clouds had passed through our camp several times throughout the day. It’s a pretty cool experience. But what took the cake were the thousands of starts that littered the night sky. It was a clear night, so you could see all of them. Planets, constellations, and more shooting stars than I have ever seen. Being that I love nature and find comfort in it (and that I can’t follow any movie that’s in Spanish) I wandered off to find a spot by myself. I wanted to bask in the stars and see if God and I could have a conversation. He penciled me in.
We talked for what seemed like an eternity, but it was only about 25 minutes. I told Him how I felt. How I was frustrated and exhausted. How I felt like I had no strength or energy left. How I was floundering. How I was weary of keeping up appearances for the team. Of doing every single thing they wanted me to do. If anyone had walked by they would’ve thought I was a lunatic. I was talking loudly to God.
In the midst of this the thought hit me like a lightning bolt. I wasn’t letting God in. I had locked my doors securely and was talking to Him through a window. I wasn’t leaning into Him to be my strength. To be my energy. I wasn’t bringing Him into everything I did. I was doing community for the sake of the people in it, instead of what God can do through us. I was focusing on our interactions, our goals, our stuff. I wasn’t listening to what God had for us. I was letting myself and people get in the way of God. I was letting what I thought of people and what they thought of me dictate my actions. I was letting past experiences that have left me jaded block future experiences that God wanted to work in. I was leaving myself open for all kinds of attack, from spiritual warfare and others.
I was letting the world beat me down. And I was trying to handle it on my own. There are plenty of Biblical and spiritual principles that we all know and have heard a million times. But sometimes they just need reinforcing. God is stronger than all of us. He made everything. He is all things to all people. We know this. But sometimes we forget it. We forget what He can and wants to do for us. That He is our daily bread, our strength, our energy, our very life force. It took me standing in a secluded area on a starlit mountain to remember that I am not strong. I am infinitesimal in my strength compared to God. He makes stars, mountains, and planets. I have a hard time picking up an ice chest with some food in it.
This revelation did not lead to some cathartic moment for me. I didn’t suddenly become full of energy and lead 40 people to Christ or anything. It was more like a bit of my burden had been taken away. More like I knew what I needed to do next. How to proceed.
As the weekend went on we performed the Lifehouse skit (World Race style), showed another movie, and enjoyed our time on the mountain. After the movie and skit we grouped up for team time. I was in the middle of a skull-splitting headache, so I was not excited. We walked into our contacts 6 person tent, sat down and Claire shared what we were going to do. Pastor Danny (our main contact) was going to lead us in Communion.
In the middle of the night, in a humid tent packed with 9 people, lit only by flashlights, with a incredibly headache, we had a beautiful moment. Taking the sacraments and praying with one another was amazing. It brought me comfort and happiness. You never know what God is going to do, and how He’s going to do it. Panamanian Tent Communion is something I recommend to everybody.
I will always look back on that camping experience fondly. It may have started out hard and rough for me, but it was an amazing time with amazing people on an amazing landscape. Who could ask for more? I may have been taking my fair share of spiritual warfare this month, but God has my back. I know that He will provide and protect me.
Why worry?
Cruising on through,
Seth
