I think when reading blogs, watching videos, and generally immersing yourself in World Race information you tend to get this expectation that everything everywhere is awesome.
I’m not even talking about the cool places you go to, or the cool things you get to do. I mean the ministry, camaraderie, and things you learn over the course of the Race. It just all seems to be peachy-keen amazing from the blogs you read. You may snag a tough one every now and again about how something was hard, but that’s not typical right? Ehhh…
A friend of mine who got done with the Race recently described it as both the best and worst year of your life. Pretty paradoxical, right? I thought I had a grasp on this already. Like everything I’ve experienced thus far, I thought I was ready for it. My funny little planner nature makes me feel like I’m ready for anything, when I am, in fact, usually not.
I’ve had days that were harder than others so far. Tough days. Tiring days. Loooong days. But it wasn’t until recently that I think I had my absolute worst day.
My worst day on the World Race was December 25, 2013.
I know what you’re thinking. “It’s Christmas! You’re a Christian! You get to spend Christmas with other Christians abroad doing ministry! What’s wrong with you?!” Believe me, the same thing went through my head. I’d like to answer your question, but it comes from many angles.
Christmas morning was great. I can’t lie, it was pretty cool. We exchanged gifts as a team around a Christmas tree and generally had an awesome time! So we started off on the right foot. We had a full day of ministry on Christmas, so we set off to our first ministry site for the day. We were to be doing a Christmas program of sorts at a school that we had been teaching English.
Side note, Thailand doesn’t really celebrate Christmas. They more use it as a marketing strategy to sell stuff. It isn’t even worthy of getting out of school here.
We got to the school and did the nativity story for the 8th or 9th time, sang some songs, and lead the kids in a funny dance. Overall it went pretty well! So far so good! Then we went to have lunch with the teachers. They were kind enough to make us a bountiful, delicious meal. It was also great! But that’s when the feelings started to set in.
Looking back it was this strange, sudden onset of negative emotions. All of the sudden I felt entirely hopeless. Depressed. Homesick. Sad. Even angry. But mostly numb. You know the feeling you get when you’re walking around while one of your legs is asleep? That numb feeling of touching things without really feeling them? Moving awkwardly and a little painfully. You’re walking, you know you are, but it doesn’t really feel like it. Things were happening around me, and I was aware of them, but I just didn’t care.
To me it was just Wednesday. And not even a good Wednesday. It wasn’t even remotely Christmas.
I missed my family. The strange thing was that I didn’t want to be home or want them to be with me. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be, it was just more like I wanted to stop missing them.
I was exhausted. As if someone had tied a boat anchor to my back.
I was mad at Thailand. I hated that they prayed to wood and gold. To statues. I felt like there was no point in doing ministry here because no one would ever learn. They didn’t care about our message. We were just funny Americans teaching English and acting like idiots.
I wanted to cry all day, but I didn’t know why. I would see things online from my family and friends and get choked up.
I was having a time of it.
After spending an agonizing 2 hours on a random street at a internet cafe, we finally went to our final task for the day. We were to attend and do a bit for Pastor’s son’s church. I put on my best possible mask and acted like everything was fine. I did the play, did the songs, played the games. Did everything required of me.
I even did the whole thing right by World Race standards. I told several people, begrudgingly let them pray for me, and prayed several times myself. But I wasn’t praying about what was wrong with me, just praying that I could hold off until I had time to really figure out what was going on.
When our time was over I left and went off by myself. Finally took the time necessary to hash out and get to the bottom of all of this.
I prayed. I cried. I pleaded. I was confused and frustrated. I knew that God had me there for a reason. I knew I didn’t want to go home. I knew that I needed to at least be more reverent towards Christmas. So I prayed and said everything I was feeling to God. Eventually a thought hit me. Jessie and Kate had been talking about how they felt like some sort of spiritual warfare had been going on throughout the day. So I prayed that whatever was affecting me would turn tail and run. That anything bothering me would get far, far away.
I think it’s the first time I’ve so overtly felt spiritual warfare. Growing up we would talk about warfare, but in an abstract kind of way. I didn’t really thing anything could actually happen to me.
Soon after I finished praying I began to feel incredibly better. I was happy. Laughing even. I felt light, as if a burden was gone. My appetite even came back. I felt like I had hours worth of good cheer and Christmas joy to catch up on. And I gave it a valiant effort. I went from rock bottom to hyperactive excitement over the course of an hour.
I do not tell you this story to make you worry. Or to make you sad. Or even to pity me. I don’t need any of that. In fact, neither do you. I tell you this story to let you into a glimpse of what Race life can TRULY be like at times. That this isn’t some vacation. Sometimes you feel like crap on Christmas day. The devil tries to run us off course any way he can. At that time, he chose Christmas. And it almost worked. Almost.
Prayer is a powerful weapon. One of the most powerful. Sometimes missions is like a fight. When satan sees you getting a foothold in a society. Really doing AWESOME things for the Kingdom, he tries to get in your way. I suppose I should be flattered.
My Christmas started off good, turned pretty bad, then ended fantastically. You just never know what each day will bring. As we wrap up here in Thailand I’m reminded of the good works God has done through us. And how thankful I am that he used me for it.
Hoping you have just the very best New Year,
Seth
