What have we become?

I used to delve into sin daily.

I was raised in a highly active missionary family. We’d go to West Virginia for Thanksgiving to feed the poor rather than celebrate at home. We had to have devotions every morning for years before showing our face to the world. We’d go on family mission trips all the time and have get-togethers with lots of other missionaries. Yet still I was stuck in my sin. I was a slave.

I knew that many of the things I did were wrong. I knew it all. I knew I was fooling myself by putting on this facade. I knew I shouldn’t do the sins I did. I knew right from wrong and how to do the right, yet I couldn’t. Hell, each time I committed the same sin as before I felt horrible. I hated myself. I felt guilty. I apologized for the nth time to the Lord and beat myself up for a while until I felt bad enough to resort again to those lowly things. Then after a few rounds around the cycle I decided not to apologize or look to God at all because I knew I’d do it again. My apologies weren’t sincere until I could stop.

What the hell is all this Christianity about? How can people overcome their sins? I felt such shame that I never told anyone or searched for help. I just hoped to stumble across the answer sometime. It was the greatest shame of my life. I didn’t discover the answer for several years. And this, right now, is the first time I’ve been completely honest with myself and everyone.

I’d heard sermons saying “Stop sinning!” I’ve had conversations, read articles, and portions of the Bible saying the same thing. “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world…” “Rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, sexual immorality, malice, slander…” I’d read Ephesians 5:3 so many times and focused on it intensely, all in vain.

I heard Christianity ought to be a joy, but I felt shame, disgust, and what’s worse, alone. The American church had made itself into a body of people like me – nobody wanted to hear your crap because then they’d have to share there’s (Let me just clarify, this is not so with my family – I just didn’t want to share all this with them).

I started thinking about what Jesus meant when he said he came to give life and life to the fullest. I longed for life. Slowly, thru experience and lots of searching in the Bible I found a few things to cling to. The greatest of these is Colossians 2. It ends:

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false testimony and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

I’m still clinging to these few truths and searching for more, but the greatest aid has been my decision to finally be honest. And when I was, I found that I was not alone. The church ought always to be this at least. What have we become? What are you becoming? If you’re looking for someone to be honest with, you can start with me. Let’s be vulnerable with each other and spur each other on toward the greatness God has called us to. Let’s work out our salvation with fear and trembling. Let’s embrace our freedom and sainthood.