A couple of months ago in the Philippines I met a boy named Marvin. He was eight years old and dying. For hours and hours his family manually pumped air into his body because he couldn’t breathe. I wrote all about it in a series of blogs (read the top four in my topic of faith) that I would encourage you to read to catch the full depth of what I went through and am still going through; even though there’s still no way words can capture it.
After Marvin died I was broken. I cried when nobody was looking and cried out to God. I didn’t know why God would allow such a thing to happen. Why would this eight year old boy die, leaving his family with no money to even build a damn casket? I was upset, angry at God, and most of all broken.
Two days later our team went out into nature and hiked to seven waterfalls. When we reached the one we could walk under I felt an urgency to get underneath it. I needed to get under that waterfall. I’m not sure why, God probably put that feeling there.
I went to that waterfall and stood under it. I could only stand for a second before the great and uncontrolable force of nature thrust me down again. I stood again only to be shoved under the water again. I fought with this waterfall and with each thrust downward, a new sense of relief came to me. My heart became soft and suddenly everything became clear to me: life is hard, we all will die, it’s not about me, I am not that important, and I am most certainly not in control.
And oh the joy that I felt. My God! The relief! I can be OK not knowing; and each time I pray, I can pray with faith that God is going to work. Not the way Seth sees it, but the way God does.
I walked down the mountain that day and left myself behind. Now, two months later, I am just putting it to words. Or rather, Richard Rohr is putting it to words in his book “Adam’s Return.” What liberating truths these are! God’s will will be done, and I get to be a part of that great and marvelous mystery! Not for my sake, although I benefit with true and unadulterated life. What else is there but to live your life completely for God. And this “completely” is something that I will never comprehend.
