For the first few days of the month we were at Pastor Forge’s house without a clear plan for our ministry, so we helped a short-term team from Georgia with their work. I experienced my first taste of Haitian desperation when during a distribution of food and sandals, as well as silly bands (those little rubber bands that take animal shapes) for the kids.
Some kids tried to take April’s $9 Wal-Mart watch off of her wrist. Some kids hid their silly bands in their mouths and returned with open hands as if to say, “I haven’t gotten mine.”
After this I began to question, “Why was I born in a country and a family where all of my needs and a lot of my wants were met as a child, and then as an adult I have the opportunity to provide these things for myself? Why were these children born into this? Is this fair? Is this right?”
Pastor Forge wanted us to stay, did what he could for us to stay, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Joshua, led by God, led our team from the heart of stifling hot Port Au Prince to the Global Outreach compound. Here we had nice dorms with showers and unlimited clean water, plenty of delicious food at our fingertips, and even a swimming pool on the property to help us beat the heat. We had a lot of freedom in choosing our ministry and we were surrounded by other American missionaries. God was going over and above anything we could expect; He was blessing us richly.
After this I began to question, “Didn’t I sign up for this trip to go without? To go without regular showers and beds and be smelly and uncomfortable? To live on rice and beans? Am I really going to live in this amazing place for this month while the country I’m ministering to has such desperation? Is this fair? Is this right?”
As our team began to bond in different ways, I felt like the odd-man-out in a way. Whereas other people on my team want to watch a movie together, sing-a-long with songs from Glee, or talk about football, I want to talk about geeky stuff and play my Nintendo DS.
At this I began to wonder, “Would it be better if I was more outgoing? Would it be better if I had more mainstream interests? Wouldn’t I be better at connecting with people around me if I was different from who I am?”
As we went throughout our weekly ministry, I started to feel depressed. I was getting horribly confused about what I thought God was trying to tell me. I felt angry for no reason that made sense. My heart felt infected by selfish, indulgent desires. I knew that I was under a spiritual attack.
At this I began to question, “Why is this happening to me? Shouldn’t I be stronger than this? Am I not strong enough in my faith? Am I not spiritually strong enough for the World Race? For missions?”
Fortunately, Joshua, Kim, and Janina intervened, praying over me, encouraging me to reach into my past and figure out where there may have been a place where the enemy would be able to get a foothold like this.
What the enemy meant to ensnare me with became the avenue for God’s healing. I have been divorced from my past. Times when I ignored God and willfully disobeyed Him were still haunting me, but I didn’t realize it because I’d cut myself off from my past self. I then knew that I needed to take ownership of my past. I needed to know and experience that God’s love is perfect. That I have been an innocent child with pure faith in Him, a confused teenager who spat in His face when He was being a loving and concerned father, an arrogant philosophy major who lightly dabbled in occult ideologies, and now a man who is called to be a spiritual leader. That’s all me, and it’s all okay, because He loves all of me. His love is perfect and constant. He doesn’t love me more or less when I was defying Him then when I am chasing after Him.
Amidst all the questions, God began moving in, speaking through my healing and revealing His heart:
“Your past is a part of who you are. My love is constant and I want you to be whole. I can’t use your past for glory if you separate yourself from it. You are introvert who loves geeky stuff like video games because I designed you that way. Embrace that you’re different.”
“Remain in Me. Love Me, know that I love you, and walk in My will. Whatever happens after that: blessings or hardships, what you expected or didn’t expect, any sense of comparison that might try to define you or other people; it doesn’t matter. Remain in Me.”
I began to walk in a level of wholeness and freedom that I never expected. Things in my life that have been festering beneath for years are becoming wells of His love and mercy.
When we distributed relief later in the month, the desperation was even worse than the first time, but in my new place of freedom in Him, I was able to see the situation more through His eyes than my own, which you can read about here, if you haven’t already:
While our team was more physically comfortable than your average World Racer, God was working deep within myself and others spiritually, making us uncomfortable in a good way, challenging us to breakthrough in amazing ways and draw closer to Him.
I want to close with this:
The day after I was prayed over, I was listening to this song and walls came down. God was speaking His heart to me through this. I can’t listen to this song without tears coming to my eyes. My heart for the world now is that everyone will be able to walk with God in the wholeness and freedom that I’ve experienced, that we would all let go and fly into Him.
