I’ve never had a baby. But I hear it can be pretty rough.
For me the toughest part of the week was carrying my groceries home in the rain after the paper bag disintegrated. (So environmentally friendly. So Seattle.) But so not childbirth.
In my first post EVER I wrote about circumstantial suffering and I’ll reiterate that my deepest joy was when I am lowest, most alone and most needy. Here I want to dig into the idea of spiritual suffering (the good kind…I’ll unpack that). Spiritual suffering can happen whether in Seattle or on the Serengeti.
In fact, there’s no better place than here to recognize an emptiness and experience deep longing for it to be filled. Perhaps my potential for greatest spiritual suffering is right. here.
God has always been a pursuer of our hearts. From the beginning it’s been a battle for our heart, not for our hands. I believe God’s biggest victory is not in getting us know things about Him or do things for Him, but in getting us to LONG for Him.
Because nothing short of mountain-moving, death conquering God-power can make me choose to linger in a place of agony for more of Him
One of my favorite quotes from CS Lewis, The Weight of Glory, addresses this nicely.
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
I’m generally pleased with being alright. Either I’ve forgotten about what I’m missing out on (memory of a goldfish, seriously) or I’ve wearied of sitting in agony and I’ve lost hope. Because agony is just that: AGONY.
Why, after 24 hours of labor, would a woman opt for a lifetime more? Nobody asks for agony. When will you come to me Lord? Why do you give me only one drink at a time when I’m dying for thirst??
But that’s the state of creation.
“Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.”
– Romans 8:20-22
I am a part of creation, am I not? The only difference between us is that *for now* I can choose whether or not to live in light of the truths of the situation (curse. broken. incomplete. agony.)
I want my response to Jesus Christ to be desperation and deeply emotional. I want my experience of this world to be agony because that is what this separation from God really is.
So my prayer for this week is spiritual agony as though my soul was giving birth. Please pray with me to be thirsty as an animal on the verge of death, desperate for more of God in every corner of my life and heart.
It’s a prayer that’s under-prayed in the deluge of prayers “for this or that” to “go well”. But it’s a prayer God loves to answer.
“Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink – even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk – it’s all free! Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food.”
– Isaiah 55:1-2
