Four teams from my squad are going on week 6 in Malawi after being denied entry to Mozambique at the border. That is a story to be told in person though. It still weirds me out trying to say “we’re going to 10 countries in 11 months with an organization called Adventures in Missions….” But anyway, this weekend my teammate Kerry and I went shopping for bananas. Convinced that every vendor in the market was marking up their prices for us (probably the case), we spent the better part of an hour arguing over the equivalent of a 30 cent price difference for 8 bananas.
We left without bananas.
Actually I was ok with longing for bananas for a while longer. On the walk home I thought about how far my perspective on longing has come these months on the Race. Before the Race I avoided longing at all costs. If I wanted something I did whatever was in my power to get it immediately. I saw longing as a part of life that smart kids like me could avoid by thinking ahead. If I thought I would get hungry in the afternoon I packed an energy bar. If I was sitting alone in my dorm feeling lonely I would post a witty comment on Facebook. If I could just anticipate my needs then I wouldn’t be made uncomfortably aware of them.
But Jesus calls His disciples to abandonment of self. He creates seasons of longing in our lives, hoping to catch our attention and draw it to Himself. The point of abandonment is to create physical longings that can be redirected to spiritual longings. There’s a reason Jesus fasted, and it wasn’t just to make His life harder for 40 days. I fasted for the first time one year ago alongside my church. It was a one week fasting prayer for 2014, and it was hard for sure. But it was a game-changer in my relationship with God. My unusually strong longings to be filled physically helped me understand a new way I could long for God’s movement in the world around me. I could need it with all that I am. That’s how our jealous God wants us to feel for Him. Single-mindedly desperate. Abandoned.
Abandonment is also to give room in your life for the Lord to provide spectacularly, individually and miraculously for you. On the Race I’ve had many desires and needs. Some of these have been met physically and some not. This morning I woke up with my tent full of water and my head resting on what resembled a sponge rather than a pillow. I kind of longed for a house and a bed this rainy morning, not going to lie.
But even when I’m physically comfortable on the Race there are some things I long for daily on a much, much deeper level than mere food and shelter. This abandonment shows me how desperately my heart can want something, and reminds me of how deeply I need the Lord. I have learned to choose to rejoice in my longings, taking them as opportunities to practically believe that what I have is infinitely better and truly satisfying. Instead of grumbling and becoming frustrated because of the discomforts of longing, my only response to the longing is to redirect it to a greater and greater longing for more of the Lord.
So as I was walking home without bananas I realized that longing has become a lot sweeter to me. It’s a state of being. I am near to the Lord and yet I long to be so much nearer. He used my physical desire for bananas to wake me up to my greater spiritual desire for Him. And I walked home satisfied because like He promised, He fulfills the desire of those who long for Him.
“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13
“You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.” -Psalm 4:7
