The following is a short story of my life through my eyes. May it be a testimony of God’s grace and steadfast love. I write it in order to share with my readers the real me, in order that they may understand where I’ve come from and where God’s taking me. I write this with the hope that God uses it to inspire and ignite passions for Him. My prayer is that His name be glorified in my story.
I grew up in a home where we attended church every Sunday. Both my parents were professing Christians and both did a good job in raising me. We didn’t have the perfect Christian home, but at the same time my parents didn’t hold me back from pursuing God. In fact, they encouraged it from time to time. So at age seven, I gave my little heart to Jesus. I went in front of the church and professed Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Actually, ever since then I knew Jesus was my Lord and Savior. Growing up, I would always talk to God. However, I didn’t always listen to Him. As I got older I tended to follow worldly passions. I went to a small high school, and was part of the popular crowd. I started partying and going to bar rooms when I was about fifteen. I was doing what almost every kid wants to do at that age and I was good enough at manipulating my parents to get away with it. I just started off drinking and going out when I could, but by the end of high school I was partying around three or four nights a week and starting to do some drugs. Like many teenage boys it wasn’t so much the drugs or alcohol I was after, I usually went out to meet girls. Truth is, I wanted to have fun.
I had this weird relationship with God at this time. When I would get convicted I would quit for a little while, but sooner or later I would fall right back into the same thing. By the time I was twenty-two, I was pretty deep into the party scene and my heart was really callused towards God. Now I was just doing it to fulfill those never ending worldly passions. I had gotten to the point where alcohol wasn’t enough, so I started adding drugs to the alcohol a lot more. I started off smoking weed, but then moved on to narcotics and I did cocaine a few times. It was never about the drugs for me, it was always about having a little more fun. The first time you go out its fun, but then it starts to diminish. The first time you drink it may be fun, but then it starts to diminish. It was all about filling that worldly passion, which always seemed to get bigger. I also tried to fill it with sex, but one girl after another, it never fulfilled me, it was never enough. The thing is I always knew what would fulfill me. I just fell to the temptation to try to get as much of the world as I could. I had gotten to the point where I was pretty much living the life that most young men think will bring them happiness. Guess what, it didn’t do it. The more you get, the more you desire, the more miserable you are. I still kept putting God off, but the whole time I knew God was going to yank me back to Him. I was living in filth, yet I would preach in the showers.
Instead of just giving up and submitting to God, I decided to go into the Air Force. I actually made the decision in the bed of some girl I didn’t even know, I felt disgusted and I needed change. I felt like I couldn’t get out of the rut I was in by staying in my hometown. I have trouble saying no at times, and I have a true love for all my friends, so I knew I needed a complete change of scene. I started to really settle down in the Air Force. I was starting to attend church from time to time. I was talking to God again, and I was reading my Bible. I even had good Christian men in Alaska, where I was stationed, that I would have deep conversations with. I was settling down, but it was out of my own strength, it wasn’t through submission to God.
On November 14, 2009, I met a girl. I met her in a bar room in Alaska. Both of us were designated drivers and we pretty much hit it off right away. It was absolutely ridiculous how quick we hit it off. I had no problem spending all my time with her, which was definitely a feat, because I had trouble spending more than one night with any girl before her. We were quickly becoming best friends. I loved her family, and I was falling in love with her. She was great, she was my first love and I was sure she was going to be my only love. When I left Alaska, I asked her to move with me to Georgia. We had little ups and downs in our relationship, but I was sure we were getting married. We moved to Georgia and moved into a beautiful brick home with a fenced in backyard. I had gone from the young man’s American dream of partying and girls to the young man’s American dream of a beautiful home and a beautiful woman to share it with. In Georgia, I met my greatest Christian friend. I was beginning to experience Christian community for the first time and my girl was a really good sport about it. She was willing to do almost anything it took to make me happy. She was coming to church with me and was supporting me. At the same time, I was being drawn towards God.
She and I were now starting to talk about the next step in our relationship. We went ring shopping together and when she picked the ring out I bought it the next day without her knowing. In the coming weeks, I began to tell her that we didn’t have the money for a ring or a wedding and it would probably be a long time before we got married. This was around Christmas and we were planning on going home for the Holidays. So I planned this great trip to New Orleans in a nice Hotel and reservations at an even nicer Italian restaurant. I was finally going to do it, I was going to ask her to marry me. The best thing was she had no idea. Everything was going perfectly; we had a romantic dinner and then we took a horse and buggy ride. I proposed on the horse and buggy with the ring she thought I had forgotten about. After proposing, a world renowned singer serenaded us while we sat in the buggy. Everything had gone absolutely perfectly. My life was going just as I planned it and I was living the dream. We went home for the holidays and my family loved her. After having a great time at home, we headed back to our home in Georgia to start planning for the wedding.
Then I got a call just two days after being home. It was my younger brother and with a broken heart he told me, “Brother…dad’s dead”. My brother who means the absolute world to me, told me that our father was dead. My dad had the biggest impact of any man in my life. He was someone I called often, and would go to for advice and wisdom. He was far from perfect, but I saw God take him to his knees through pain and hardships. And through my dad’s pain and hardships he finally submitted to God. He was misunderstood and still had many things that the Lord was taking him through, but he was doing his best with what he knew. I believe he was submissive to God and wanted to do God’s will, but his journey was over. I would never see him again. Immediately when I heard the words of my brother, I fell to my knees and gasped. It felt like when I gasped, a part of my soul left me and it would never return. I hit my knees for a brief second and my nose began to bleed, but I regained my composure for the sake of my brother. My brother was strong, God had prepared him as much as someone could be prepared for that moment. That ride home with my new fiancé was the second most painful ride I would take. I just remember the whole way to Louisiana thanking God for the time He had given me with my Dad. In all I went through with the funeral and the mourning, my fiancé never left my side. She was tremendously supportive and loving.
We were still in Louisiana, and I felt like I was just getting my head above water with all I had been through. We were still planning the wedding and in fact inviting people along the way. This whole time I was drawing closer and closer to God. My brother was a great influence on me, I remember one particular prayer where the presence of the Holy Spirit was overpowering. It was great to be in God’s presence again, it was indescribable. I just new I wanted more. So, I had a meeting with my pastor just to go over some things on my heart. I remember my fiancé was scared, I’m convinced she could see me drawing closer to God. I kissed her on the lips and told her no one was going to stop me from marrying her. I loved her more than anyone and I meant it. I began sharing with my pastor some of the things that had been on my heart and by the end of the conversation we got on the subject of me getting married. All he did was read to me II Corinthians 6:14. It was like a truck fell on my chest. God was telling me this is not my plan for your life. I could barely breathe, thoughts were just flooding my mind. It was a conviction that was almost unbearable. The conviction outweighed every thought and every personal feeling. It was either my desires or God’s and for the first time in my life I was going to choose God’s. It was excruciating, I knew this was going to crush my fiancé and it was crushing me. I knew I could never turn back and my life was now totally surrendered to God. I knew people were going to think I was crazy, particularly family. I mean, how could you blame them. They saw how happy I was with her. It didn’t matter, I felt like God had me in a Spiritual headlock. So after delivering the most painful message in my life to the woman I love, we had to drive back nine hours to our home in Georgia. Within two weeks I lost my dad and had to tell the woman I love that we couldn’t be together. That was the most painful ride I had ever taken.
After much tears and brokenness, I made a pact with God that my whole life was His. God woke me up inside and filled me with passion. I was finally allowing God to fulfill me. He is the only true fulfillment. “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” Matthew 10:39. During the hardest time in my life, I was the most fulfilled. God was with me that whole time. I know God is real because He is real in my life. All the passions of this world are temporary and all are empty, but Christ is true fulfillment. I am now living the abundant life, a life of fulfillment. Because of my journey, God has taken me to a place where I yearn for Truth. “If I were still trying to please man I wouldn’t be a servant of Christ” Galatians 1:10. My heart is to seek God and to know Him intimately. I refuse to seek God with pre-conceived thoughts of Him or read His scriptures as if I already know what it means. “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps” Proverbs 16:9. My life is conclusive evidence of this verse. I pray that through the testimony of my life, God ignites a fire in you. A passion to seek Him completely.
