What really sucks is that God gives us what we pray for, especially when we pray for His will. I read Rick Joyner’s “The Final Quest” when we were in Peru, and something he wrote inspired me to pray for humility. Stupidest thing I have ever prayed for.
Joyner’s ideas were something along the lines of God can’t really use us until we have learned humility, been cloaked with humility. That the very nature of God is humility. Jesus, being in very nature God, humbled himself and became a servant. We are to become more like Jesus, so what the heck, I’ll pray for humility…believe me, I don’t particularly enjoy serving or being a servant. I guess I will serve, when I know I need to, or when the service is something I enjoy or at least feel comfortable doing, but I don’t think servant is at the core of my nature. (still working on believing the core of my nature is ‘son of God’)
Since really praying that prayer in earnest, it has been a constant losing battle to preserve my ego. I have strived so hard for years to develop beliefs that would hold my ego intact, help me to survive. My big fragile ego is surrounded by walls of defense mechanisms. Splints, crutches, and constructs helping me to barely sneak through life.
This past month has been no different, and debrief was the icing on the cake. I am still working on some of the ideas I learned from the few days at Alabanza in Pretoria, South Africa. I feel like my brain was one function short of melt down for a few days.
I have always hated looking in the mirror, and as a self involved person, I would spend a lot of time in the mirror picking myself apart. Too short, too fat. Big head, bushy eyebrows, odd colored teeth, and bad acne, is all I saw when I looked in the mirror. At least puberty is over now, and my acne is gone, but I am still not a huge fan of the mirror. Especially when the Bible or other people are my mirror. My pride hates when my faults are made evident to me, then the knowledge that everyone else sees them before I do makes me burn.
I guess I am not ready to share too much from debrief….I’ll see what I am ready to share.
I keep trying to figure out the whole ‘going for my dreams’ process, and this was only strengthened at this time, I am excited about where God is taking me, and this was encouraged by Gary Black.
Gary had me stand up during one of the times when I had drifted to la la land. People were praying and taking turns giving words, and I was day dreaming and thinking that I wanted to get to bed and read. Then Gary had Josh stand up, and Gary gave him some words that were not soft, and these made me grin. I thought of what I would say later to get under Josh’s skin, because I see Josh as a brother, and know he is one of the few guys who can take this sort of stuff. Then we prayed for Josh. Then I was staring at the floor and heard Gary say “Scott stand up”. Crap. These are the situations that I wish there was another Scott around so I could at least hesitate, but with out looking I knew Gary was staring at me, so I took a big breath and stood up.
I don’t remember everything Gary said as his eyes bored into mine, and I had to keep looking away so I could at least focus on what he was saying. The gist of what he said, or at least what I understood out of it, was: He had been praying for me, and God had spoken to him. He said this was a very clear message from God. And now in my own words, how I interpret what Gary said: Stop being a baby. Man up. God has me hemmed in. I am right where God wants me to be. I need to stop running from the process. God wants to build something with me, Gary said I was going to be a rock like Peter. God is preparing me for the future. So stop being a baby. I can’t step into my destiny without learning the lessons He is trying to teach me right now. I need to stop running from the lessons.
Then he had the guys come and pray for me, and was I receiving this? Yeah, I was…so I said, “I guess”.
So what are these lessons?
Gary and his wife, Lisa, were with us for our team debrief. It was not an easy meeting. I felt like I got slapped around and kicked in the rear. I can see that it needed to happen…but it still sucked. One lesson I need to learn is how I am supposed to relate to women. Even my wife. Seth had already been working on this with me through email, about going low and being humble and loving. How to love others and have compassion for the women on my team, I need to learn how to communicate better (go figure). That I need to learn more about being a husband. That soul ties are wrong to have, even for a husband and a wife. I guess that pushes to the limit what I am willing to share.
Gary told us about a Jahara section, where we don’t see something, we are totally ignorant and blind to certain facets of ourselves. I guess my Jahara section is pretty big.
Later, I sat and talked with Gary. Gary said I basically need my brain rewired on some stuff. I need to rethink some things. Yay. That felt pretty good. We rebuked fear in my life. Talked about some generational stuff. Gary said my anointing is bigger than I am ready for. (still trying to understand the anointing thing, and I could have told anyone that my emotional and spiritual maturity or how ever it is defined is pretty undeveloped, I mostly have a head full of religious information and ideas from books and stuff I have made up)
Ok, so that’s about all I am willing to share for now….other than a an apology to my team…I have already apologized, but thought I should do it here too, and just to let my team know that I am taking seriously the stuff we talked about, and I’M SORRY.
