What do I do? I strained my ears in the silence. What was coming next? I could not hear any strange noises, but the gun shots had been very close. I had heard noises and voices behind the house, and a house alarm was ringing, I could not tell which neighbor’s though. The shots sounded like they could have been in our house, and a weird helpless feeling came over me, all I could really do was pray. I did not hear any of our people panicking, so I just sat there in bed. Ready for something.
Linnea was next to me, her rhythmic snoring a sign of her peaceful rest. I would not wake her, but could I actually protect her? This mission house has been broken into a few times, and Kent and Shay, our hosts, have set up new security systems, none of which were sounding an alarm.
We had stayed up watching a couple of movies (one of which was called ‘Relentless Enemies’ a story of a pride of lions and a herd of buffalo that do battle every day. It was so frustrating to watch, because just when the battle got good the narrator would say something stupid and we would not be able to watch the final kill: as the battle scene turns to a sunset, the narrator says something like “it is the natural cycle of life”, who cares? I want to see a fight! I didn’t think I was watching Disney! I half expected to hear Elton John start singing. I wanted to see blood!), just Linnea and I, on our new computer, (well, it is ours as long as we stay with AIM, it is nice to have a new TOOL, that can also be used as a toy) and I was still thinking about this past Tuesday’s adventure.
Trompie’s voice still played in my head, an endless loop. “You don’t have dreams.” “He is gassing himself!”(check out my blog by this name) It has been five days now since this incident.
I play the thoughts over and over. I ask myself, what are your dreams? What would make a guy take his own life? Did this man lose sight of his dreams? Did he not have a dream he was living for? Had his dream just been shattered?
It has been a few years since I have had this discussion, but I have had the “how would you do it?” theoretical discussion before. If you were going to take your life, how would you do it? This is probably a discussion no one will admit to, but I think most people have at least wondered….
If I remember correctly, either from my Human Biochemistry class or my Physiological Chemistry, carbon monoxide binds with hemoglobin something like 240-300 times more quickly than oxygen does. Oxygen is carried by hemoglobin in the red blood cells. Carbon Monoxide attaches much more easily to the site where oxygen is supposed to be, blocking the oxygen in one spot, but causing the red blood cell to hold on to oxygen more tightly at its other receptors, not letting it go, then the oxygen can not be transferred to the cells. Because the body regulates breathing based on carbon DIoxide levels, not on oxygen levels (or carbon monoxide), the brain does not even register that the body is being starved of oxygen. I can’t remember the whole process, but the body asphyxiates with out even consciously feeling like it needs the air. The lungs are filling up, and a person slips into unconsciousness and death. There are certain levels of CO needed to kill a person, and levels below this lethal dose can still lead to CO poisoning.
Some of the effects of chronic CO poisoning, often due to faulty heaters and ventilation systems, are flu like symptoms, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, light-headedness, confusion and nausea. In fact I read that some ‘haunted’ houses, where people saw ghosts and had the symptoms listed above are due to high levels of CO in the house, bringing on visual and auditory hallucinations.
There is also long term tissue damage in both acute and chronic cases of CO poisoning, which can be treated by prolonged exposure to fresh air or pure oxygen.
I wonder about what would bring a person to a point of wanting to “gas himself”. How can a person lose the resolve to live? According to the Wikipedia information on CO poisoning, 2000 people a year in the US commit suicide by “gassing” themselves.
“You don’t have dreams”. This was not an accusation or an insult, it was a simple statement made by a man I had just met. He was totally convinced in what he had said. It has been almost a week since this experience, and I am trying to figure out if there is any difference between living without dreams and “gassing” myself.
I believe my head is crammed full of dreams, life is so full of options and possibilities, I am just trying to figure out: first, my identity in the kingdom. Then my role. I believe I need to figure out what God had dreamed for me when he created me. This is the dream I am pursuing, to find that, and then I believe the details of how it looks will simply unfold on a daily basis, of course the ‘simply’ is very difficult. I have a head full of the possibilities, the details I am really not sure of, but am I pursuing these dreams with everything I have? Where does the road lead from here? I have faith that it goes a long way, but daily I look for the motivation to pursue it.
What is life like for someone who just keeps living one day at a time, not truly pursuing the dreams that God has put in his heart? (that is the issue, our own selfish dreams can not fulfill our God given potential) I wonder if this is comparable to emotionally or spiritually “gassing” ourselves, this pursuit of selfish dreams. Carbon monoxide is odorless and colorless, we breathe in the toxins without knowing it and our awareness is compromised. Our brain does not even register that it is being poisoned, we just suffer the symptoms. Depression, confusion, chronic fatigue…the symptoms of CO poisoning and living without hope seem to be pretty similar.
Pursuing dreams or ambitions which are not from God fills the void, just like CO fills hemoglobin, but our spirits are starving. (I just had a brain fart- about some of the people I have met who scoff at the idea of a God and pursuing ‘God’s will’…how many of these people are angry and depressed? Lacking love and joy, and peace. Or even the depressed people stuck in the bonds of religion…people who are obeying the rules, sitting in the pews, on a committee, ‘righteous’ but still lacking in the fruits of the spirit? What is missing?)
Seth says he hopes and dreams of a generation fully alive. I can buy into this vision, I am trying to figure out where I fit in, what is my role in helping people become fully alive? I need to become fully alive first, and I believe, by the grace of God, I am on my way, some days seem better than others. I believe along the way for all of us, as we become fully alive, someone interrupted our plans of gassing ourselves, someone treats us with fresh air or pure oxygen.
Somewhere along the way, for me, someone pulled the hose out of the window of my cab (I believe this may have been done by the prayer warriors that I have been surrounded with my whole life). The least we can do is pull the hose out of other people’s windows.
