When Jesus cried “Abba”, I have been told this is the same as saying “daddy”. I have heard so much about how we relate to God the same way we relate to our own fathers. Then we are told we have imperfect dads, and God is a perfect dad. I know for me, I try hard to be good to earn God’s approval, but when He is not interested (in my mind), then I have to be so bad that He has to discipline me (again in my mind). Negative attention is better than no attention at all.
So I have also seen that we as brothers and sisters compare our ‘righteousness’, as if God had limited resources. He only has time for the best christians, the rest of us fight for the scraps. As we wait in line, we play politics, we gossip, we judge. We (I) criticize. I can see the faults in my brothers and sisters, I point them out to God, in case He hasn’t noticed, so I won’t feel so bad.
I do the christian things, try to do my ‘Daily Bread’ in the morning, and try to listen to christian music. I try not to swear, or say mean things, or check out the women at the gym. I come home and try ‘listening prayer’ or ‘journaling’, and try not to check out the girls online (just one tap a way, how tough is this battle?). I feel guilty, or ashamed. On a good day, I feel like God might make some time for me.
I try to follow the “5 purposes”, to make sure I am living up to these standards, hoping God won’t kick me out of his family. I think about fasting, I try to pray for others like I said I would. And I do pray for others, when I think about them. Which is rare, because I am, 95% of the time, thinking about myself.
Then I get into discussions about missions, and each time I realize I am not good enough. People comment on my motivations for doing this, hoping I have pure motivations, not just doing this world race “as an adventure under the guise of christianity”, filling me with doubts. That “what about the people around here?”, this is a mission field.
Or I hear how great this is, how good I am. What a great thing done by great people. I must be a saint for doing this. HA!
The fact is, I AM NOT FRIGGIN GOOD ENOUGH. If I were, I probably would never do missions, because I would be so self-content that I wouldn’t pursue this. The fact is, I have so much to learn, and if God can use me, then none of you have an excuse to live a stagnant life. I wish I were such a good friend of Jesus that I didn’t feel the need to give up everything for a year. I wish I were so content in Jesus’ grace and mercy and forgiveness that I was effective here in this spot, but I am not. I need to see miracles, I need to see God work. I need to see more, because my experience with the church here just is not doing it.
I am barely hanging on to our empty religion, our rituals and traditions just don’t cut it for me anymore. I can’t sing about a powerful God and not live it. I can’t sit in a pew and sing about dancing. I can’t stand and sing about kneeling. I can’t shut myself in a building, as if our battle were against everything outside the walls. I need something to believe in, and small groups don’t cut it. Hoping for air conditioned buildings just doesn’t do it any more. Christian music in my car doesn’t fill this void, nicely tuned professional worship for a half hour on Sunday morning just can’t carry me through my doubts.
So are my motivations pure? No. I haven’t become so good that I have now graduated to missions. The fact is my brain just can’t take our religion any more, but my whole being says the bible is true, that the gospel is true. Every thing in me says I need to know my daddy better, and standing in line playing church isn’t helping.
So if you are content where you are, I am happy for you, don’t waste your time reading what I write, because this train I am on is not going to be coming back soon, and you will be offended. If learning from my pilgrimage helps, then hang on tight, because this ain’t your Ned Flanders religion, we’re going to have an adventure!
Those of you who feel like this, maybe you too are not designed for the life you are being pushed into, maybe you need more than DISCIPLESHIP 201, but I doubt your pastor will ever tell you that, isn’t our business of christianity by nature supposed to make you feel so guilty that you need your church even more (pass the offering plate, eat your communion crumb and sip your diluted grape juice out of that plastic thimble, because that represents all of God you can get in that sanctuary)?
Our siblings tear us down so much we can’t even function. We beat ourselves up so much because we can see that someone else does this christian thing so much better that God obviously loves them more and doesn’t have time for you?
I’m sick of fighting for scraps, I’m sick of it, and I’m sorry to everyone for being a part of it.
