My past is something I am not ashamed of. It is my past that has shaped me to be who I am now. There is so much in my past that doesn’t fit into the Southern Baptist Convention, I’m OK with that. What can irritate me is when someone reminds me of my past or judges me for my past. I have never tried to gloss over my past, although there are so many details that I don’t tell people.
Paul was in prison as he writes to the followers of the Way in the city of Phillipi. Phillipi was a Roman colony, named after the father of Alexander the Great. Paul says in the third chapter, verse 3: “Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead”. That is where I am trying to be. None of my past successes really matter. None of those successes are going to last in the refining fire. None of my past successes have left me with the ability to rest on my laurels. My past successes mostly make it difficult to bend my knees in the morning. These successes leave pain and scar tissue in my muscles and arthritis in my joints. My past failures also have left pain. These past failures have not taken me out from this race. The race that Paul talks about. None of my human failures has set me back to the point of quitting. I learned while coaching football that a loss teaches so much more than a win.
All of this was brought on by an email from my mother in law to Linnea. A ticket came in the mail for $250 for drinking in public in New Jersey. The incident occurred six years ago, and I was stopped with a beer can in my hand. I still think it was petty (I wasn’t driving, fighting, or even making a ruckus), and even as I am trying to learn to respect authority, I still have a tough time respecting cops. This happened after I had been out hiking the Appalachian Trail, and I still looked like a bum. I hadn’t cut my hair or shaved in 6 months, and I still feel like he came after me because of my appearance. I think I had a bandana around my head and a hippie necklace. This porkie cop was not going to have any dirty hippies around on his watch. So because of this, six years later we get an email from my mother in law and her opinion on the issue, and I am left to deal with anger as Linnea naps on the bed next to me. I guess that the ‘right’ thing to do is pay the fine, as I have a court date in February and it would be tough to get to New Jersey in time. New Jersey, it seems, has some trouble with paper work, and I hadn’t even thought of this minor (compared to other past experiences) incident for six years, until today. I guess I am even having a difficult time feigning sorrow over the whole thing. I feel stressed about the money, but sorry about the incident? I can’t really find that emotion. I am just thankful that God has brought me out of those things.
When we got the email I started to sweat as I battled different emotions. Satan was taking another shot at me, but I will turn this on him. I will trust God to help me deal with all of this, but I just thought I would blog about it, because my initial reaction was anger and then doubt about who I am, or who I am trying to be. I realize who I am and who I am trying to be is the real me, the transparent, vulnerable, fallible person I am. A real person, on an incredible journey into the discoveries that our creator is hoping we would all take. I hope that being this real would help one more person think that they can go where God is leading them, even when it is obvious that he realizes just how far he falls short.
I guess my other feeling is, for all of you with a past that is free from all this: don’t think that your past matters. If your past is something you compare to mine, your comparison is misguided. All our righteousness is as filthy rags. (I love Isaiah) You might have an unstained past, give God the glory, and press on. I know that my future on earth is so incredible, and if Jesus forgives my past, you need to. If Paul had that attitude, as he was in chains for the gospel, I guess I could tell you that you need to also. I would imagine Paul would not be too impressed with most of our lives, past or future.
