When I was in that interminably long awkward stage, which I am not sure I have ever left, I fell in love with almost every girl I met. All it would take is a smile from a cutie and I was infatuated. I would have a countless number of infatuations going on at once. I think I just liked the feeling of being attracted to any of the girls, the dopamine rush. I am not sure I was simply afraid of committing, because I never really had the chance, the girls I fell for never liked me for long because I wasn’t just acting like a geek, I really was (past tense?) a geek.
Well, now that I am all married for 28 months and have been with Linnea for 4 years without seeing any other girls and building walls against any other attractions, I am still the old awkward geeky me. I am infatuated and flirtatious and get a dopamine rush and I wonder about the possibilities. Is it simply a fear of commitment? God help me, what is this?
I fall in love with every country we spend time in. I fall in love with the people. Every country has fields ripe for the harvest and I can’t possibly pursue every possibility or opportunity even if I lived 1000 lives. Every ministry beckons me, every slum tugs the strings of my heart. I am shown over and over again why Jesus told us to pray for workers because the harvest is ripe but the workers are few.
As this ‘world race’ slowly draws to an end, I have so many ideas about the future and I look forward to getting home to see everyone, and I am trying to persevere for these final 49 days. We still have to get to China and I have trouble living in the present.
We started counting the days until we get home a month and a half ago, and the days go by so quickly. It seems every day as I age has less time in it and life is flying by. How do I harness the time? Sometimes a number like 49 seems infinite, and then the next time it seems that “What are we going to do when we get home, where are we going to live? How will we make money, go back to work?” is staring me in the face, russian roulette.
When we first arrived in the Philippines, I was ready to get home. Ready to get back to regular workouts, eating healthy(er), my dog, and good beer. The sticky heat and noise of Manila. The Jeepneys and Trikes and smog and so many people. People always wanting to talk, I didn’t think I was going to make it here. I could not wait until we were out of these islands.
Now, I am wondering about the possibilities here, could this be a place to come to in the near future? To spend more than a few weeks? I have option paralysis, why can’t someone make up my mind for me?
This year has totally changed so much of me. Changed how I view me, God, the church, missions. This experience here on ‘the race’ has really changed me, I hope, because sure as crap there was a lot needing changing.
I think we as americans, or maybe I speak for myself, I just don’t have a clue. We have such weird and ignorant views about the rest of the world. I had ignorant views on missions. I always viewed the missionary as, either (or maybe they look the same?), some super religious zealout out to convert the savages, or someone who just can’t survive outside professional christianity and so raises support to go out somewhere where he can’t be found and get his face on the refrigerator and play the hero. It is now my experience and my education that says otherwise, unless I have become this person, which I shouldn’t doubt because of the Jahara section, or my shadow, or that part of me I just can’t see.
As I type this, I have just returned from a good workout (back and biceps: cleans, chins, curls etc…who cares other than me?) at the gym at Faith Academy. I love the weight room. I love lifting weights. How do I explain that, other than I just do? How old was I the first time I begged and pleaded for that five pound cast iron dumbell? The chest expander/hand gripper/ and jump rope set? Somewhere younger than nine, in my memory I was five, but then again, in my memory I started my paper route at five also. Anyway, when all the other kids were begging their parents for nintendos, I was begging mine for a gym membership. In eighth grade I would ride the bus to the high school weight room and I would work out as hard as I could and my heros were the seniors who could bench 275 pounds.
So, today I spent time in the weight room at Faith Academy. Working out and hanging out with some of the guys, giving them tips and ideas and loving life, wondering, could this be the place for me? What about Linnea? She could be the Athletic Trainer there. Perfect fit.
Now we head to China, will I fall in love again?
