Ha! This is crazy! I am trying to do a quick random update blog. We are heading to camp in a cave and I am battling myself. Going camping in a cave! Woo Hoo! With seven 10 year old Taiwanese boys. Cool! And I get to be in a cave with four adult women! (sound of dragging the needle over a record, remember them?, here)
Why am I dreading this? I am cooked. I guess that is all I can say. I have breathed in a lethal dose of estrogen. I feel like the symptoms are the same as CO poisoning, chronic and over time, a man becomes depressed, lethargic, withdrawn, when he absorbs too much estrogen. So many men I know need ‘guy time’, and the only dose of estrogen they are processing is from the wife they committed to. I had no idea this would be so difficult, honestly. Surrounded by women, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I need pure testosterone therapy, or at least some fresh air.
I feel like the walls are closing around me…I am expected day in and day out to be a girl. This is not a ‘battle of the sexes’, I don’t believe that men are better or one gender has it right and one is wrong. We are just different, it is that easy. All that I have to offer a woman has been totally committed to my wife. I have such estrogen overload that it is even becoming difficult for me to desire conversation with my SOULMATE. As I type this, if there were a ticket home today, we would be at the airport. I am done.
Last night I dared to share how I felt on a subject. I said everything in me hates the idea of a bunch of girls hanging out with the boys in the cave. Just one bit of estrogen in a time when a man can form a boy throws a dissonance into the process. Women can not teach a boy how to be a man, and a healthy woman would accept that. My wife totally knows her boundaries and my emotional limitations, that is why we succeed. Our relationship would have never happened if she expected me to think like a girl.
An hour after I shared how I felt, I had a knock at the door. Fury that I make disparaging remarks about women, that I don’t think women have anything to offer was hurled at me. I said “thank you.” What else can I do? I don’t mean to make disparaging remarks about women. I do think women have something to offer. I just believe there is a time and a place. Why does a guy know not to enter the world of women, but women need to intrude on the men?
I have no idea, I still hate the whole idea, and I almost don’t want to go….but I will. Maybe I can find some alone time out in nature, look for God out there.
I called Trompie, made sure he thought having a bunch of women there was ok. He said yes. I tried talking him out of it, explained my reasoning. He still wanted the girls there. OK, what can I do?
Trompie wants the women to be there, says he gets in trouble for being ‘too tough’ with the boys, he says I don’t understand how soft these boys are…maybe I don’t, but I think that is all the more reason not to allow there to be any ‘mommies’ around, geez (hmm, I have not used that term in a while, geez?), these boys are 10 years old!
Ok, please just pray for me to hang in there until Rusty joins us. Pray that I will be the man God wants me to be, because I totally want to bail on the whole thing right now.
I feel like such a far cry from the person on Seth’s blog. He posted the title “why I am a fan of Scott Molgard” a couple days ago (www.sethbarnes.com). Really cool, really humbling, and right now, I am so unworthy of that. I really want to be home, really want to bail on the world race, want to tuck my tail and flee. I am tired of ‘missions’ tired of ‘others’ or ‘people’, I am even so tired of this ‘God crap’.
When I say ‘God crap’ I mean, sometimes I am so far from wanting to love anyone or anything, I am feeling selfish and really don’t want to face my failures. But my heart cries out, “Jesus help me, I need you Lord, I need help praying, I don’t want to read your word, I don’t want to talk to anyone, help me Jesus”….
