“Why are you so quiet?”
The big man, (when I say big, I mean I feel like a little boy standing next to him) with the pony tail asked me why I was so quiet. Everyone else at the round table in the large dining hall looked at me, waiting for an answer.
I had just signed up for the world race and had been invited by Seth to the AIM staff conference that they were holding in Georgia. I had come down here, not knowing anyone, not knowing what to expect, I was nervous, doesn’t everyone get nervous going into these things? I was nervous because I was a life long christian coming down to meet a new group of christians and really not knowing what this group of christians thinks a christian is. I was determined to be myself, and if people did not like it, I knew this was not the group for me. I was not planning on faking anything just to be accepted or liked. At 31 years old, it was time that I at least learned how to do that.
So far, things were going well. I did not feel pressure from anyone to fit into a mold, and I could see the love and joy in this group. Faith was evident in these people’s lives, I could tell they honestly loved God. I was not totally comfortable with all the pentecostal or charismatic stuff, but in my life I was ready for a new experience of God. I had not been able to shake the fertile dust of religion off the withers in my life yet.
I am not sure what was going through my head, maybe I had been daydreaming. Linnea always knows when I am daydreaming, I totally space out, I am not present at these times. Maybe the big guy with the pony tail thought I was stoned.
I looked at him…he was staring at me…uh, what did he say? Why are you so quiet? I swallowed. I looked around the table and could feel my ears getting warm. Maybe I had been missing Linnea or Sequoia, I really don’t know, but the only response I could come up with was “I don’t have anything to say”. I think when I have something to say I say it, when I don’t have anything to say, I don’t say anything. It seems pretty easy.
The big guy laughed. I guess my answer was ok with him, because the conversation continued with out any further demands on me.
Six months later, we were in Nicaragua, ready to meet the Kayes. Charles Kaye is the big guy, and he hadn’t shrunk any, it was good to see him again. He and his wife Sarah had had a rough time down there trying to get the ministries going, and we were here to help.
At the end of the month, we met again with the Kayes, just Linnea and I. It had been a rough month for us and it was good to talk to them. I valued their wisdom and experience. Their observations coincided with mine enough so that I felt a huge relief, I wasn’t the only one seeing these things.
Months went by…until my ‘cry for help’ blog. I got a pile of comments and emails after this from many people sharing their particular experiences with being the only man. Charles let me know about his experience and said he would pray for me. Charles and Sarah have some insight into our team and are able to pray for us more specifically. I said cool, I could use his prayers.
Then I got an email from him last night. He was asking me to respond to him, how do I feel strengthened by his prayers? Huh? How do I answer this?
I really have no idea. I have no idea how prayer works. Giving or receiving. I have read books on it. I have heard sermons on prayer. I know about prayer journals, prayer rooms, Mexican prayer, African prayer…all these styles of prayer. I still have trouble with ‘prayer styles’ and ‘prayer languages’. I guess I am instilled with the old conservative, views that Jesus spoke about in Matthew 6:5-15. I remember learning to pray in an order that followed the ‘Lord’s Prayer’. Always remembering that He is not impressed by my many words (v7 and 8) and God already knows what I need anyway. To be persistent. To be honest. I guess I am not to impressed with fancy long winded and dramatic prayers either. I just try to talk to God, and often it is a struggle just to pray.
Since joining AIM, I have learned much more about prayer and being persistent and passionate. I have learned about intercession and people who have the role of intercessor, this was pretty new to me. That people actually see interceding as something worthy of spending a full day doing. I have learned about ‘prayer warriors’ and what happens in the heavens when we pray.
But, the question of ‘how do I feel strengthened by his prayers’. How do I know? Does anyone know how they are being strengthened by another person’s prayers? Honestly, I don’t know what that means.
The issue really is, I don’t know what it means to not be blanketed in prayers. While I am learning all this new stuff, I was born into prayer. I have always been totally soaked in other people’s prayers. I believe this is why I am alive today. This is why I am not in jail. This is why I have never ‘gassed’ myself.
So I am not really sure how to answer him, just to know that my faith, that who I am as a Christian is not strong enough to be hanging in there like I am. I know people’s prayers are helping me face the days without overwhelming anger or hate or rage, without real depression. That I am looking for answers and options. I am looking to God, I have not quit.
My resolve. I will not quit. That might be all the answer I have that I know all of you are praying for me. Because I have hope, I am excited about life. I still believe in God. Dreams for the future are becoming more and more vivid. Linnea and I are as close as we have ever been. Our marriage is strengthening through the strain.
Thanks for your prayers, everyone.
