I am sitting in a cafe in Cusco. Mind swirling with mixed thoughts and emotions. Maybe I need another cup of coffee. Or a beer. Is it too early?
Andrew was supposed to be speaking to us today at 10am, but a mix up in travels has given us the morning to kill. We will meet at 1, and then a leaders meeting at 3.
I have been looking forward to Andrew being here, as it seems when a man of God like this speaks, life grows in me. I hoping for this, for some oxygen spiritually. I am also dreading team meetings and having to face my huge and fragile ego. Once again to see where I am wrong and where I lack love.
As I still struggle to love, struggle to understand that God loves me, even as I struggle with religion. My thoughts are so self centered. Trying to understand love. Trying to maintain a glimmer of hope. Once again not sure of what is right. My expectations need to change again, what do I hold on to?
Reading a pile of books, trying to keep my mind stimulated, as I am living close to the lethal dose of estrogen. Emotions that drain me. At times I don´t want to hear the opinion of one more person, never mind a woman. Dancing in this minefield called a team. Just the thought of sitting with a team at this point causes my armpits to sweat, my heart to race, and my stomach to feel sick. Maybe it is just a lens or a filter of misogyny, but I have always run from women. I understand why God said ONE wife. What is God trying to teach me?
I am having to adjust what I expect from a team I am leading. Trying to learn what it means to serve. How does a man ask people to be somewhere on time without a two hour conversation on the emotional reactions a question like that stimulates? Past wounds? How does a team function as a team when some members would rather not be there?
My experience with teams comes from sports and from jobs, where people do what they need to do to play or work, or the coach or boss decides he doesn´t need you on the field or the site.
Just some thoughts, as usually I am completely overwhelmed with this amazing experience, but to share that this isn´t simply a vacation. This trip has been so fruitfull, as we see people´s lives changed, but there is a cost, and mostly the cost is the health of my ego.
